Highs and Lows

He heals the broken-hearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3 (NIV)
  
      If going through all of this has taught me anything, it is that there is no rhyme or reason to how one moves on with their life after a loss. As unique as each individuals experience is, so is the healing process. I am not entirely convinced that healing ever really takes place. I think it is more of an acceptance and deciding to learn how to live with the loss. Maybe I am wrong and healing really does happen, and I just do not know what that feels like yet.
     Much of my blog is upbeat. Most of the time I am upbeat and see the silver lining even in a situation such as mine.  Even during my difficult moments I usually carry a smile. If you saw me and asked how I was I would smile brightly and tell you I was fine, even if I am holding back a lump in my throat.
     But, I would be doing an injustice to those who read my blog that are looking for support due to their own miscarriage, abortion, or loss of a child, divorce, etc., to only speak from a positive viewpoint and hold back the struggles I still have and the lows I sometimes feel. Sometimes things just, well, they just suck.

     I wish it was as simple as avoiding circumstances that trigger painful memories, but life goes on and if I am going to live, then I am going to come across circumstances that are difficult. After a while, when a person does have these lows, you tend to not share them with anyone. I know for me, often I don't even bother telling Richard. I don't want to be a broken record. There isn't much that he or anyone can do during these times so I just keep it to myself.

     No one can fix the void I feel when all my friends are sharing in the births of their little girls, passing down tutu's, headbands, nap nannies, and bassinets. It was supposed to be me too. We all would have had babies within a year and a half of each other. I had plans for pink tutu's, frilly headbands and stockings all to be shared amongst my closest friends. I feel like I am missing out on this great bond with my friends. It sucks.

     There are other circumstances that trigger low moments.  For example, after someone asks me if Richard and I plan on having a fifth because they just recently met us and they don't know our story. They don't know we did have a fifth. I always smile and say, " No we aren't having anymore. Our family is complete". Then there are times I have to dodge questions about why I am not planning on a fifth to replace the one we lost. Why? because that baby wasn't planned, it was a surprise, a pleasant surprise. I am not simply going to choose to replace it in a effort to fill a void. I feel like carrying  that void is my only way of holding onto a piece of what was not to be.
     So, I allow myself the time I need to process these moments and try to move through them as fast as possible. I do not think that there will ever be a time in my life when certain circumstances, dates, or questions, will not trigger the memory of that baby and the circumstances that surrounded the loss.

     I hear from women all the time that say, "It has been twenty years and I always think about the baby on what would have been it's due date", or " Twice a year surrounding the dates I lost the baby and what would have been it's due date, I always have a few days of sadness and a few tears are shed".

     If you are like me or one of the many women who have reached out to me since I started this blog, allow yourself the time you deserve. Do not think that because it has been two months, two years, or twenty years, that you should have forgotten your loss. Your loss will always be a part of the person that you are.
     Allow yourself time to mourn and to reflect on what was lost and then, reflect and be grateful for the blessings you have today.