Return To Sender

“I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.   Ephesians 3:16-21

  With the hoiday season can come a lot of jokes about  packages that come to our homes that we would like to, well, return to the sender. These packages might contain the ugly Christmas sweater from Grandma, the Jelly of the Month club from a friend, or the ever so popular fruit cake that seems to always be sent by a distant aunt.
     Out of the spirit of the season we usually do not ( at least I hope you don't) return these items to where they came from, because we know that it is "the thought that counts" ( that and your aunt thinks her fruit cake is truly the best thing ever!). We pack the sweater in a box in the back of the closet and we let the the new jelly that comes each month stack on top of the one from the month before in our pantry. Oh and the fruitcake? If you are smart you re-gift that one quickly! None of these things are harmful or impact our lives too much, except to take up more space in our house.
     This made me think, what do we do with the things that come our way that are harmful? What are these things? Maybe it is hurtful words from someone you care about, maybe it is unwanted and un-deserved judgment from others, maybe it is gossip about you at church, work, or even amongst your family. Maybe it is the low self esteem that came with your job loss. Maybe it is years of pain and guilt from a loss.
      We all have experiences from time to time when someone has hurt us deeply or feelings come as the result of a difficult situation and we don't know what to do with them. If we allow hurtful words, negative thoughts, self doubt and feelings of unworthiness and rejection into our lives, they will just keep stacking up in the pantry of our hearts filling us with resentment and causing us to be insecure about who we are, and more importantly who are are in God.
     So what can we do when we are struggling with difficult circumstances, judgment, hurtful words or actions from others? Return to Sender.
     Now, that does not mean respond in the same way you were treated. It means do not take ownership. Do not allow untruths to enter your heart and gradually stack up. Face each situation that and make a choice not to take ownership of someone else's words or behavior. Decide not to let the divorce you are facing, the job that you lost, or the family who rejected you define who you are.
     If you define yourself in what others feel about you, the job you have, how much money you make, or how perfect you life looks to others, you will ALWAYS be grossly disappointed. But, if you look to God to find your value, you will always be complete.
     So, on Christmas when the fruit cake is opened, the Jelly of the Month is grape (yay!), and you so badly wish you could send the sweater (along with all the others ones Grandma has sent) back, refrain from doing so. But if you find yourself unable to feel much joy during this time of year,when you are facing difficult times, return those thoughts and feeling to the sender. Remind yourself who you are in God and just how valuable he knows you are.
     If it is not of light then it is not of God. If it is not of God, then it is not good enough to dwell in your house, in your mind, or in your heart. Send it back.

The Valley

 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Psalm 23:3

     Psalm 23 was the message on Sunday morning. It was the perfect message for the situation my husband and I were about to walk into that afternoon, though we didn't know that message would mean so much a few hours later. I won't give details as to not sway people feelings, but I will say that we went into a situation expecting a peaceful resolution, and instead what we walked into, was a direct attack. I will say that never has any person spewed so much hatred toward me. My husband and I walked away knowing that it was the end of what had been a very important relationship in our lives and in the lives of our children's.
     At first we both felt numb. The verbal attack was so unexpected that it pulled the rug right out from under our feet. But, as we headed home we began to realize a few things. One, the outrageous claims, accusations, and bitter name calling was really this person's feelings about them self and it was being projected at me. Not one thing said about me even remotely reflected the person I am or the life I live.  Two, when you are in a valley in your life, a valley being a place where you are going through a difficult time,( as we have been working through healing from our loss this year), you are vulnerable and more likely to be attacked. Your personal growth and happiness that comes from spending time in a valley and working your way out is a threat to others. After all you know the saying, mmisery loves company. We sought counsel from our pastor both before and after this meeting and feel that we truly have done all we can. We cannot allow those words to impact our lives, nor can we allow these attacks to continue.
     It would have been easy for me to spend the week feeling sorry for myself. I could have allowed those words to pierce my heart and I could have convinced myself they were true or that others must feel the same. But Psalm 23 promises me that during these times I do not wander the valley alone, but I am protected by God during these times. I must look towards him to protect and restore me.
     I have many friends wandering int heir own valley right now as well. Some are unhappy at home, or work, or with their marriage. Some have lost jobs and loved ones. It really is up to us as individuals to decide how we allow what happens in the valley to effect us. We can either be beaten down further and lose sight of the One who promises to be with us, or we can, in the words of one of my favorite authors, Beth Moore, " Place our ear against the chest of the Savior so that when troubled times come, so you may not know what will befall you, but you can hear the steady pulse of the boundless love of Him who holds you.

I Can't

     I am compassionate about most things and towards most people. I make an effort to not hold others to the same expectations that  I hold myself. I have pushed through so many difficult times, that " I can't" is simply not in my vocabulary. One things that is so difficult for me to hear others say is, " I can't change this situation" or, "I can't do that".
      I didn't think I could live through losing a baby the way I did, but I choose to, and I became better for it. I didn't think I could get healthy and get in shape when all I really wanted to do was lay on the couch and feel sorry for myself. I did, and I have lost 50 pounds to show for it. I certainly did not think that I could run a half marathon, but a few weeks ago  I ran one and I finished. I crossed the finish line with a pulled tendon in my right foot, bloody blisters, and two lost toe nails ( I feel like a freak of nature with no toe nails, Akkkkk!!!).  Around mile ten I was crying through the pain. But I refused to stop.
     The point? None of those accomplishments were without some pain along the way.
     I am thankful for how far I have come, and sympathetic to those who find themselves stuck. I sometimes find myself stuck working through certain emotions that I still struggle with. I have to remind myself that not everything comes immediately and some things are simply on God's timing, not mine. 
    One thing I know is that nothing is permanent and anything can change if you truly want it to. None of us are predestined to a life of unhappiness, we choose it for ourselves.
     If we are willing to take a leap of faith, trust God to see us through, heal from our losses, get off the couch, and maybe incur a few injuries along the way we can come to a place where we are no longer living  a life of unhappiness and mindless routines, but a life of passion and a live where WE CAN.

Highs and Lows

He heals the broken-hearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3 (NIV)
  
      If going through all of this has taught me anything, it is that there is no rhyme or reason to how one moves on with their life after a loss. As unique as each individuals experience is, so is the healing process. I am not entirely convinced that healing ever really takes place. I think it is more of an acceptance and deciding to learn how to live with the loss. Maybe I am wrong and healing really does happen, and I just do not know what that feels like yet.
     Much of my blog is upbeat. Most of the time I am upbeat and see the silver lining even in a situation such as mine.  Even during my difficult moments I usually carry a smile. If you saw me and asked how I was I would smile brightly and tell you I was fine, even if I am holding back a lump in my throat.
     But, I would be doing an injustice to those who read my blog that are looking for support due to their own miscarriage, abortion, or loss of a child, divorce, etc., to only speak from a positive viewpoint and hold back the struggles I still have and the lows I sometimes feel. Sometimes things just, well, they just suck.

     I wish it was as simple as avoiding circumstances that trigger painful memories, but life goes on and if I am going to live, then I am going to come across circumstances that are difficult. After a while, when a person does have these lows, you tend to not share them with anyone. I know for me, often I don't even bother telling Richard. I don't want to be a broken record. There isn't much that he or anyone can do during these times so I just keep it to myself.

     No one can fix the void I feel when all my friends are sharing in the births of their little girls, passing down tutu's, headbands, nap nannies, and bassinets. It was supposed to be me too. We all would have had babies within a year and a half of each other. I had plans for pink tutu's, frilly headbands and stockings all to be shared amongst my closest friends. I feel like I am missing out on this great bond with my friends. It sucks.

     There are other circumstances that trigger low moments.  For example, after someone asks me if Richard and I plan on having a fifth because they just recently met us and they don't know our story. They don't know we did have a fifth. I always smile and say, " No we aren't having anymore. Our family is complete". Then there are times I have to dodge questions about why I am not planning on a fifth to replace the one we lost. Why? because that baby wasn't planned, it was a surprise, a pleasant surprise. I am not simply going to choose to replace it in a effort to fill a void. I feel like carrying  that void is my only way of holding onto a piece of what was not to be.
     So, I allow myself the time I need to process these moments and try to move through them as fast as possible. I do not think that there will ever be a time in my life when certain circumstances, dates, or questions, will not trigger the memory of that baby and the circumstances that surrounded the loss.

     I hear from women all the time that say, "It has been twenty years and I always think about the baby on what would have been it's due date", or " Twice a year surrounding the dates I lost the baby and what would have been it's due date, I always have a few days of sadness and a few tears are shed".

     If you are like me or one of the many women who have reached out to me since I started this blog, allow yourself the time you deserve. Do not think that because it has been two months, two years, or twenty years, that you should have forgotten your loss. Your loss will always be a part of the person that you are.
     Allow yourself time to mourn and to reflect on what was lost and then, reflect and be grateful for the blessings you have today.