When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider this: God has made the one
as well as the other. Ecclesiastes 7:14
So it has been almost two months to the date since I last posted. I was disappointed in myself for letting so much time go by, but sometimes things just get a little crazy. There are a few reasons for this. One, the holidays were busy. Two, after sleepily setting my laptop on my floor next to my bed, my daughter came into my room that night and stepped on it. That turned my screen into a spider web. Since my hubby is often working on our PC, that laptop was my lifeline to communication. So now I am looking at tablets:) Third, well, I didn't have much to say. In fact my husband can attest to this. He has been used to ten years of coming home to me rambling on and on about anything and everything, but lately I just didn't feel motivated to say much at all. I was going through a time where I just had to process some things in my head. Fourth, I am not sure where I want to focus this blog. Do I want to just customize this for women who have experienced loss, or do I want to use this as an outlet to just write whatever I feel led to share? Don't know.
What I do know if that I have been preparing myself for March 16th. This was a date that I set in my mind as a closure date. It was the date we had to terminate the pregnancy. Or for those who prefer I don't say this because it makes them uncomfortable, it was the date that God chose our baby had to go to home with him, so I could remain here. ( If you are seeing my blog for the first time, go back to my first two posts).
So much has happened in a year. I am a completely different person. Despite dealing with PTSD, I am somehow happier and more at peace then ever before. I don't sweat the small stuff, or even the big stuff. My marriage is stronger, my children are happier and my faith is unstoppable. There is a reason why, I dealt with the issues from my loss right away. The good, the bad, and the really bad. I looked to my faith to get me through, and it did. At some point next month we are going to plant a tree in our yard as a symbol of the life we lost and a means of closure. I would be lying if I said I was looking forward to it, but I know it must be done
Let me tell you, choosing to deal with something straight forward makes others uncomfortable. Our choice to focus only on our family and healing this year brought us some betrayal, which of course brought pain. But, God has his hands in all things and we find ourselves at peace that we have made the right choices. The blessing that we have experienced have shown us so. Nothing feels as good as being at peace. It is like a cloud that was hanging over us is now gone.
And so as my last year draws to a close I am pondering where to go from here. I know this much, I want to continue to live like tomorrow won't be here. Because I know what it is like to be put to sleep thinking tomorrow might now come. I don't want to miss a moment of joy from my children, laughter with my friends, love with my husband. I want to continue to live without fear which means I will be doing more marathons and riding more roller coasters :).
Perhaps the way things are now is the way they always should have been and it took a loss to bring me here.
Regardless I am here........................... and I am happy.
