So cliche, I know, but as I was out yesterday braving the crazy lines at Publix, ( I forgot bread, ugh!), I was making a mental list of what I was thankful for this year. This year of course is so different then last year. I still find myself staring in a daze from time to time when I try to comprehend everything that happened this year. Still, what is done is done and in spite of it, I am here.
I am thankful for the little things, you know, the ones you take for granted. I am thankful for the endless hugs and kisses that my kids have waiting for me at any given moment. I am thankful for the way Samuel's nose feels pressed up against my face when he kisses me goodnight. I am thankful that there is never a night my head hits the pillow without my husband's arm around me. I am also thankful he has his own comforter so he no longer hogs the covers from me. ( He will tell you that I am really the blanket stealer. It is all lies!)
I am thankful for friendships. Without them I would be lost. I am thankful for old friends and for the new friendships I have developed over these last nine months. I can't believe the number of people that have come into my life and how fortunate I am to be their friend. My life long friends have cried with me, cried for me, and have never asked me to justify or explain myself. They have been so much more then just ears to listen or shoulders to cry on, they have been life lines. My new friends have greatly enriched my life and brought out a new person in me by inviting me into their lives. I cannot imagine all the fun and laughter I would have missed out on had I never met them.
I am thankful for having the peace that surpasses all understanding. Losing a child isn't peaceful, but knowing that baby is in heaven is. I find comfort in knowing that that baby is with my grandparents, with my husband's father, and more importantly with God.
I am thankful for new beginnings because we get one each day. It doesn't have to take losing a baby, a loved one, or a devastating event to have a second chance. Each day is our second chance. We are never guaranteed to have another so take what is given to you.
So, while the holidays this year are slightly bitter sweet, they are more sweet than bitter. While a hole in my heart still lingers, the strength from my husband, the laughter of my children, the love of my friends, and the grace of God, make that hole ever less painful.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Changes
He said to her, “Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering.” Mark s:34 (NIV)
As I have said before in other posts, people who experience a tragedy in their lives through loss are given a special gift, it is a take on life that is different then anyone else around them. Suddenly, you find yourself reevaluating how you spent your time, your energy, and maybe even your money.
Soon after I lost the baby, I knew that I wanted a clean slate. I could no longer pour energy into unhealthy relationships, spend my time doing things that I wasn't passionate about, and allow my kids to have a mom who wasn't functioning at full capacity. What little energy I had was going to be directed at my family and other close meaningful, healthy relationships, working hard to make my house a home again, and no longer just exist, but live again.
My therapist warned me when I began this journey that I was no longer the "old Sabrina". She prepared me for the fact that I was going to "piss people off" ( I was just amazed those were her actual words). Wow was she right! But, I began to realize that when others disapproved of my decisions or were angry at me for beginning to set boundaries with them, it meant that I was going in the right direction.
Changing is never embraced well. In fact it is usually outright rejected. Once I got past the difficulty of standing my ground, each issue I faced got easier and easier to deal with. After years of people pleasing, I had learned how to say, no. Success!
When I came home from the hospital I spent hours in a daze just watching my kids play. My every thought was consumed by the baby and the way I was forced to end it's life. I was also consumed with the fact I almost didn't make it home to the children playing right in front of me.
I often hear it said that "almost" doesn't count. I would argue that almost dying, is when "almost" does count for something. I thought a lot about what legacy I would have left behind for my kids had I died. I would have left them with the memory of a mom who was overworked, stressed, unhappy, and caught up in family dysfunction and drama that was time consuming. Thank God I had a second chance to change this!
The memory I would have left them with then, is not the mom I am today. It took all of this loss, hurt, and guilt to bring me to a place where I stopped doing what I thought I had to do, and started doing what God wanted me to do.
I returned home to my children and got my house and our lives back in order. I let go of trying to control life around me ( it certainly was not working anyway). I stopped trying to get family to love or accept me. Instead of allowing toxic relationships to continue, I drew a line, a boundary if you will. Those boundaries may not have been received well, but they have brought my home much needed peace. I am learning to stop allowing the disapproval of others to define who I am.
It has been a long eight months, full of a lot of ups and downs. I am a realist. I know there will be more to come. What drives me is knowing that I am choosing to make everything I went though count for something. I was the only one who felt that baby. Yes it was my husband's loss as well, but it was my void in my body. No one but God can comfort that type of emptiness.
So every Thursday when I leave my therapist's office, I know that I am closer and closer to being healed not only from the loss of the baby, the abortion, the pain, the guilt, but from so much more. Everyday I get a little bit stronger.
The baby's 14 weeks were not in vain. Those fourteen weeks changed my life forever.
As I have said before in other posts, people who experience a tragedy in their lives through loss are given a special gift, it is a take on life that is different then anyone else around them. Suddenly, you find yourself reevaluating how you spent your time, your energy, and maybe even your money.
Soon after I lost the baby, I knew that I wanted a clean slate. I could no longer pour energy into unhealthy relationships, spend my time doing things that I wasn't passionate about, and allow my kids to have a mom who wasn't functioning at full capacity. What little energy I had was going to be directed at my family and other close meaningful, healthy relationships, working hard to make my house a home again, and no longer just exist, but live again.
My therapist warned me when I began this journey that I was no longer the "old Sabrina". She prepared me for the fact that I was going to "piss people off" ( I was just amazed those were her actual words). Wow was she right! But, I began to realize that when others disapproved of my decisions or were angry at me for beginning to set boundaries with them, it meant that I was going in the right direction.
Changing is never embraced well. In fact it is usually outright rejected. Once I got past the difficulty of standing my ground, each issue I faced got easier and easier to deal with. After years of people pleasing, I had learned how to say, no. Success!
When I came home from the hospital I spent hours in a daze just watching my kids play. My every thought was consumed by the baby and the way I was forced to end it's life. I was also consumed with the fact I almost didn't make it home to the children playing right in front of me.
I often hear it said that "almost" doesn't count. I would argue that almost dying, is when "almost" does count for something. I thought a lot about what legacy I would have left behind for my kids had I died. I would have left them with the memory of a mom who was overworked, stressed, unhappy, and caught up in family dysfunction and drama that was time consuming. Thank God I had a second chance to change this!
The memory I would have left them with then, is not the mom I am today. It took all of this loss, hurt, and guilt to bring me to a place where I stopped doing what I thought I had to do, and started doing what God wanted me to do.
I returned home to my children and got my house and our lives back in order. I let go of trying to control life around me ( it certainly was not working anyway). I stopped trying to get family to love or accept me. Instead of allowing toxic relationships to continue, I drew a line, a boundary if you will. Those boundaries may not have been received well, but they have brought my home much needed peace. I am learning to stop allowing the disapproval of others to define who I am.
It has been a long eight months, full of a lot of ups and downs. I am a realist. I know there will be more to come. What drives me is knowing that I am choosing to make everything I went though count for something. I was the only one who felt that baby. Yes it was my husband's loss as well, but it was my void in my body. No one but God can comfort that type of emptiness.
So every Thursday when I leave my therapist's office, I know that I am closer and closer to being healed not only from the loss of the baby, the abortion, the pain, the guilt, but from so much more. Everyday I get a little bit stronger.
The baby's 14 weeks were not in vain. Those fourteen weeks changed my life forever.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Saying " I'm Sorry"
Jesus knew their thoughts and said to them, “Every kingdom divided against itself will be ruined, and every city or household divided against itself will not stand. Matthew 12:25
After seeing one of my recent blog posts posted on a mutual friend's facebook site, I got a messgae from someone I have not spoken to for close to a year. She had been a good friend and we have known each other for five years. Despite the concern that I could possibly reject her efforts, she reached out to me after reading of my loss.
My heart skipped a beat when I saw her message and I quickly responded. Within minutes we were on the phone. Before I could allow our conversation to go to far, there was something she needed to know, I was sorry.
Right before I found out about the pregnancy I had been struggling with health problems, working too much and trying unsucessfully to manage my home life. I I was trying to be Superwoman and I was terrible at it. I was miserable.
My friend would try to get me to open up about how I was doing and my response was always, "I am fine, everything is fine". I was embarassed to tell her I wasn't "fine", but afraid that if I let the words come out of my mouth that I would no longer be able to hold it all together. Instead I pushed her away and she got the message.
When I lost the baby, I thought of her. I wished I could call and tell her, I knew she would be comforting. But she didn't even know I was pregnant, and how do you call someone and say, " Hey I know I was a jerk, but let me unload this tragic event on you so you can make me feel better"?
Still, she stayed on my mind throughout these difficult months. At times I would wonder how she was and how her family was doing. I started seeing her pop up on my " People you might know" section on Facebook. Then when I started therapry, twenty plus miles form my house, I actually parked next to her car not knowing she worked next to my therapists office. God was onbiously not going to let me forget this unfinsihed business and relationship that needed to be mended.
Then her message came and we met at Starbucks the next day, and talked for hours. I wish that things had been different and we had not gone for so long without speaking. But, then again time was what I needed and without all the events that occured I would not have been sitting before her a much more peaceful, happy person.
Saying, "I'm sorry" is never easy. It makes you vulnerable to the rejection from the other person. But sometimes, those three honest words can lift a burden off your heart and restore a seperation of months and even years. You may not be ready to say them today, but God will press upon your heart an urgency to do so until you do.
Apparently his uses Facebook now too.
After seeing one of my recent blog posts posted on a mutual friend's facebook site, I got a messgae from someone I have not spoken to for close to a year. She had been a good friend and we have known each other for five years. Despite the concern that I could possibly reject her efforts, she reached out to me after reading of my loss.
My heart skipped a beat when I saw her message and I quickly responded. Within minutes we were on the phone. Before I could allow our conversation to go to far, there was something she needed to know, I was sorry.
Right before I found out about the pregnancy I had been struggling with health problems, working too much and trying unsucessfully to manage my home life. I I was trying to be Superwoman and I was terrible at it. I was miserable.
My friend would try to get me to open up about how I was doing and my response was always, "I am fine, everything is fine". I was embarassed to tell her I wasn't "fine", but afraid that if I let the words come out of my mouth that I would no longer be able to hold it all together. Instead I pushed her away and she got the message.
When I lost the baby, I thought of her. I wished I could call and tell her, I knew she would be comforting. But she didn't even know I was pregnant, and how do you call someone and say, " Hey I know I was a jerk, but let me unload this tragic event on you so you can make me feel better"?
Still, she stayed on my mind throughout these difficult months. At times I would wonder how she was and how her family was doing. I started seeing her pop up on my " People you might know" section on Facebook. Then when I started therapry, twenty plus miles form my house, I actually parked next to her car not knowing she worked next to my therapists office. God was onbiously not going to let me forget this unfinsihed business and relationship that needed to be mended.
Then her message came and we met at Starbucks the next day, and talked for hours. I wish that things had been different and we had not gone for so long without speaking. But, then again time was what I needed and without all the events that occured I would not have been sitting before her a much more peaceful, happy person.
Saying, "I'm sorry" is never easy. It makes you vulnerable to the rejection from the other person. But sometimes, those three honest words can lift a burden off your heart and restore a seperation of months and even years. You may not be ready to say them today, but God will press upon your heart an urgency to do so until you do.
Apparently his uses Facebook now too.
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