And all along I believed I would find you, Time has brought your heart to me, I have loved you for a thousand years, I'll love you for a thousand more. Christina Perri "A Thousand Years"
Let me forewarn that this post may be scattered. I have thought about writing a hundred different things. My thoughts have been swirling for days now. It is impossible to sum up perfectly what I have felt.
Last Friday, 3/16, was my year anniversary of losing the baby. I am not sure if anniversary is the right word, but I digress. My husband wanted to go out to dinner and spend time together, but I wanted to carry on as normal that day. So, the kids went to school, I cooked dinner, went to karate, etc,. It was the usual Friday for us. I spared others around me my tears and reserved my meltdowns for the few times I was alone except for during church on Sunday. I did my best to be discrete so I would not be approached. I was afraid if I was I would never stop crying.
That Sunday afternoon, my pastor came over and we did a small memorial for the baby as a family. It was nice and informal which keep the pressure off of me. My church bought me a plant (well two) to plant in the yard. They had been asking for a year now, but I was not ready and couldn't think of the perfect tree or plant to remember a baby by. Then last week it hit me as I stepped out on the front porch and smelled the Jasmine from the neighbor's yard. It bloomed in March and ever since I was a child, I loved smelling it come through the windows of my home every spring. Jasmine it would be.
My pastor first talked to the kids about John 3:16. It is ironic that it would be my anniversary date of a less than happy time in my life. John 3:16 is a verse from the Bible that most of us learn first. Even if you know little about the bible you have probably heard this verse. It is summed up easily: Love.
On 3/16 each year my heart may ache. A mother's love knows no boundaries of time or separation. But, most importantly I am reminded on that day of God's obvious love for me and my family that he choose to spare my life that day and welcomed my child into His loving arms.
It is a love that surpasses even my own for that baby and that thought brings me comfort beyond words.
If this seems deep, well, it is. Losing a baby is painful. Losing one because your life would end is worse. Losing one though a medical procedure is just torture.
If this year has taught me anything it is that life goes on. We can choose to be brave and face what is painful and grow from it, or sit closed up in our house and be angry at the world for moving on while we are hurting. I choose to be brave. I choose to live.
I choose Love.
