Baby Steps

  And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Colossians 3:14
     I had such a busy week this last week. Richard and I planned a quick getaway for this last Saturday night. It was the first time in almost ten years of marriage we had an opportunity to get away together, alone. We planned to hit the Disney parks kid free and stay over at one of the resorts.
    My cousin and her husband offered to watch our four kids which is a huge blessing! I worked so hard in the days leading up, to be organized and have the house clean before we left, so when we got home Sunday night we could just relax. Anytime you go anywhere with or without kids you are still prepping just as much so things are prepared for the kids during the time you are gone.
    Well, despite my best intentions that did not happen. As it so often goes in my house, we were rushing out the door at 7am on Saturday morning, throwing last minute items in bags and leaving dirty dishes in the sink.
    A part of me was super excited for a night away, but another part of me was terrified. It doesn't matter how hard I try to hide my feelings, my husband can always tell when something is off with me. He sesned my apprehension towards our trip the morning before we left.
    The last thing I wanted to do was disappoint him. He was so excited to have me to himself. He had been sending me text messages each morning the week leading up with the countdown of number of days till we left. He even got us Disney pins that said we were celebrating our, "Date Day". (Yes, I was a good sport and wore the pin all day).
    When Richard expressed concern about my lack of enthusiasm about going away I initially brushed him off, assuring him that I was fine. Then I realized that by trying to spare his feeling I might actually be hurting them even more. Worried he  might come to his own assumption, I explained to him how I was feeling.
    I was actually terrified! I was literally scared to be alone with my own husband. We had spent the last six months since we lost the baby surrounded by our kids. They were my distraction, and without them around, I was vulnerable. What if I have changed so much that I don't know how to just spend time with my husband and have fun? What if the new "me" wasn't the "me" that he loved? What if we had nothing to talk about? What if I just couldn't let go of my anxieties and relax? What would that mean for us?
    Well I was right. Richard said I just wasn't much fun anymore and he left me sitting by the tea cups ..............Just kidding!
    Actually, we had a great time. I decided that our "Date Day" was going to be the first day of a new begining for us. I was going to let go and relax.
    First, I let go of my fear of roller coasters and rode Space Mountain. Yes, I know it is a baby coaster, but it is as scarey, and as fast as this wimp can tolerate. For the record they have upgraded it and it is much faster then it was years ago. I almost threw up on the guy in front of me who I think may not have appreciated me screaming at the top of my lungs right in his ear. I am certain he appreciated it when I started passing out and he no longer heard  my screams. My husband was cracking up at how long it took me to get color back to my face after that ride was over. I will never ride that again, so I hope he appreciated it!
    Second, I let go of my worry about how the kids were doing. They were in great hands and they were having a blast with their cousins. In fact when we picked them up Sunday night they asked if they could stay longer! So much for missing their mom!
   Third, I let go of my fear of people standing too close to me in line for Thunder Mountain. Seriously, September in Florida equals a lot of sweaty people standing in line and that line is not well ventalated. I found myself getting dizzy whenever I thought about all that sweat. Yuck!
    And last, I let go of my pain, at least for a while. When those sad thoughts crept into my mind reminding me that I still had a heartache, I shut those away.
    Our tears shed these last six months truly have brought us so much closer as a couple.  What I realized from our little trip was that we still are Richard and Sabrina, the couple who met one day, fell in love the next, and have been inseperable ever since. No matter what trials we face, we are still the best of friends who have as much fun together as we did eleven years ago when we were dating.
    No couple says, " bring on the hard times we are ready to struggle".  It takes a strong committment to see it through, and is accomplished often in  baby steps. But, with God as the center of our marriage we can heal together and have a blessed, united, intimate, and loving marriage that we would have never known, without having gone through the though times.

To be Held

 For I, the LORD your God, will hold your right hand, Saying to you, ‘Fear not, I will help you. Isaiah 41:13 (NKJV)

My oldest son, Richard, the one who seemed so quiet about our loss, finally had a break through a couple nights ago. He is a very sweet compassionate and sensitive child, so when his reaction to the loss of the baby was minimal, I was concerned.

I had heard him crying and went into his room. When I asked what was wrong he said that he did not want to tell me because he did not want to make me cry. Of course, no mom feels comfortable with that response, so I pressed further. Finally he told me he was upset about the baby. I was taken back because this was the first time he ever spoke openly with me about it. When I asked him what caused him to start thinking about the baby, he said that it was his bunk bed. His bunk bed?

He had been laying in his bed, trying to fall asleep. He looked up at the empty top bunk and realized that it will always be empty because the baby will never be here to fill it. He explained to me how scared he was that the baby would never know him. The baby would never know what a good brother he would have been and how much he would have loved him or her.

 I explained to him that, of course, the baby will know him one day when he gets to Heaven ( I inserted that he would be like 150 years old before he went to heaven as I didn't want to give him anything else to worry about). He looked at me and said, "No mom, the baby will never know the real me, the me I am now. We will never play chase or football together".

His tears were rolling down his cheeks and he was holding on to me tightly. The truth is that he was right.  The baby would not know him now and would not know the brother his is in this life. There was nothing could do to sugar coat his pain. This was the first time he had really let us know how sad he truly was and it was finally breaking through after six months. He needed to feel the sadness he he been keeping inside. That moment was his to begin his own healing process. All that I could do was hold him.

That night I thought to myself, this ache I felt for my son that night, having to watch him cry and knowing how badly his heart was hurting, was what God experiences when I am hurting. It is how He felt for me, his child, when I lay sobbing in my bed until I was too exhausted to cry any longer and my heart hurt so badly I felt it through my whole body. It was my moment to work through so that I could begin the healing process and all He could do, was hold me.

Still

The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still." Exodus 14:14

This week is a time of reflection for me, as it is for so many people. Aside from the 10th anniversary of 9/11, it is my sixth month anniversary of losing the baby, my due date if my pregnancy had continued, and my husband's fortieth birthday (again, for those who do not know I am 9.9years younger:)).  It is an emotional overload!

I have one word for how I feel this week, blah.


When someone experiences a tragedy they have a unique opportunity to see their lives and the world around them differently. They are able to have a different appreciation of life and live theirs with more passion and meaning than the average person. It is a bitter sweet gift and it is our choice whether we decide to take it and grow, or remain parallel. Though losing this baby has resulted in so many positive changes in the person I am, I am in fact, only human and sometimes I need a break from it all.

 I would love to say that I am experiencing a lot of positive self reflection on the anniversary of so many important events, but I think my mind and heart have gone into sleep mode just to survive the week. As my clarity returns, as I know it will, I hope to take a closer look at the person I have become in these last six months. I hope to gain a better perspective of how to move forward and live my life to reflect the compassion and grace that God has shown me during these difficult times.

For now, for this difficult week, I am simply being still.

Every Day is a Gift

And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.          Colossians 3:14 NIV

Above is a picture of my kids. I think sometimes that the "bloopers" make the best shots.

As I have mentioned before, I was beyond thankful to not have been present when my children were told that the baby passed away. It breaks my heart to think of what they must have felt at that moment. Their mommy was in the hospital sick and they had not seen or spoke to me in days. Now, they had the added confusion of trying to understand how a baby could be in my tummy at one moment and gone the next. How could something be gone that wasn't here yet?

The afternoon I came home kids were overjoyed. They had made little signs for me and hung them all over the house. I was so happy to come home. I wanted to be with them, but I was overwhelmed to see them. In fact, when I came home it didn't feel like it was really me. I felt like I was watching this moment unfold in front of me. I did not feel much of anything except for numbness. It did not take very long for their questions to come.

My kids have been through many losses in just a short time. I lost all four of my grandparents, whom the children were all very close to, (including my grandmother who lived with us so I could care for her the last year before she passed), all within less then two years of each other. We also lost our lab to a snake back in the back yard during the same time. Now, another loss for them to try to understand at such a young age.

Richard and Leia who are my two oldest children, seemed to be struggling the most. Richard, my oldest, didn't say too much. In fact, he stayed away from me that evening. I didn't push anything with him and let him have his space. I felt like he was dealing with  feelings of knowing I was very sick in the hospital and then of course, the reality of losing a baby.  He was probably scared that I wasn't going to make it home and now that I was he was afraid to get too close to me.

Leia immediately asked me when I would be having another baby. After all, this was her chance for a sister. I decided from the beginning to be honest with them as much as it was appropriate. I explained to her I would not be having another baby and therefore, she would not be having a sister. I will never forget the sadness on her face. I felt like I had let her down. It is even more important to me that she and I have a close bond. Besides, we are way outnumbered in this house!


Benjamin, who is my four year old, handled the loss very well. Of course, he couldn't truly understand the loss part, but he did understand that he had a baby in heaven. Wow, was he proud of that! He was telling anyone who would listen that he had his very own baby in heaven. He would scoff at everyone who spoke to because they were not as special as him to know someone in heaven.  He would ask me questions constantly. He wanted to know what color hair the baby had, was it a boy or girl, what was it's name, what color eyes it had. Every once in a while Benjamin still claims to see the baby in the sky with Jesus when we are driving somewhere or playing outside. He always looks so happy when he tells me this, that sometimes I really wonder what he sees.

Then there is Samuel. He was asleep when I came home from the hospital. It took all the strength I had not to grab him form his crib and have him sleep with me all night. The following morning, Richard brought him into the bedroom to see me. Samuel was so ecstatic he almost jumped out of his daddy's arms. He grabbed my face with both of his hands and pressed his sweet little face against mine. Words really do not give justice to how precious that moment with him was for me.

I am certainly blessed to have four beautiful children. Having had children prior to losing a baby both helps and hurts at the same time. It helps because it is a distraction from the pain. They keep my mind occupied most of the time. Their hugs, kisses and early morning climbs into my bed are my therapy.

In the same breath, being a mother makes the loss that much harder. I know what I lost. I know what that little baby would have become. I know how it would have snuggled on my chest while I rocked it to sleep. I know the messes it would have made all over my house as a toddler. I know the sound of pitter patter feet and giggles I will not hear. I know what I lost out on.

Perhaps that is why I have changed so much in the last few months. Before I went through this tragedy I was letting life pass me by. I was always in a rush to get to the next place or do the next thing.

I know that what I have here and now is precious. I do not want to miss one moment of the love, and joy that has been given to me.

Life is too Short

But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Matthew 6:33 NKJV

This week was a bit busy with the kids adjusting to their new school schedule and dealing with our first back to school virus. Thus the reason that I almost went a full week without a post. It won't happen again, well, unless I have a virus in the house again (which chances are, I will).

As I may have mentioned before, there are a few one liners that I have heard over and over since we lost the baby. They drive me absolutely crazy. I really do try hard just to put them aside, and often the people who are saying them truly do have the best of intentions. Sometimes it just gets repetitive.The latest I have been hearing is, "life is too short".
 Now, typically when I hear this, it is because someone is disapproving of something I did or didn't do. One of the toughest things I have experienced is a disapproval or lack of  understanding about our need for private time and respect of the choices we have made for our family. I have heard the same complaint from other women on some of the miscarriage/loss of baby boards online, as well.

When I am given the 'life is too short" guilt trip, what they do not realize is that I already know that all too well. It is the realization that life truly can be short that I came to through losing a baby and almost my life. It is that realization that drives my husband and I to want to cling together, make the healthiest choices possible for our family, and follow what we believe, God wants for our lives. I get " life is too short". I live it.

So, I have decided (in a passive aggressive manner) to give my top eight reasons of what  I  believe life is too short for.  Why eight? Because David Letterman already does the Top 10 thing and because quite frankly, I only have eight. They are as follows:

1). Life is too short not to eat chocolate. It is well known that I have a slight craving for Peanut Butter M&M's. Obviously I could not continue this habit on a full time basis. I have downgraded my enjoyment of these little candy coated gifts from God for a more healthy option, chocolate Italian ice swirls. Now that I am 35 pounds lighter over the last three months I would say this was a wise swap. Still every once in a while I indulge.

2). Life is too short to not tuck my children into bed each night. We have the same ritual in our house every evening. We stick to it no matter how busy the night has been or how many dished I have left to do.  I start with the youngest and work my way to the oldest. We say prayers, talk about their day, and then it is off to bed with a kiss goodnight. There are some nights when I feel like just getting them to bed quickly, but I know that they will not be little forever and one day I will be missing this.

3). Life is too short to blow dry my hair straight everyday. My hair dryer caught on fire last week and I haven't made my way to Target to buy a new one yet. So, for the first time ever, I have gone a whole week with my curly/wavy hair. You know what? I have gained another hour in my day because of it!  So, when I do buy another hair dryer, ( which I will, because I will eventually get tired of my hair looking like a mop) I promise myself that I will only dry it flat every other day.

4). Life is too short to maintain toxic relationships. One of the things that quickly changed for me when I lost the baby, was the people I wanted in my life. It wasn't because I stopped caring about them, so much as it was I no longer had the energy to nurture relationships that were not healthy and supportive.  With the struggles I was having, I felt my kids and husband deserved the best of me, and even that "best" still isn't all that great all the time. I felt it was wrong for me to be putting my energy anywhere other then healing from our loss and growing closer as a family. The result has been a huge burden taken off my shoulders and a feeling of peace, even in my turmoil.
5). Life is too short to be serious all the time. Thus the reason for this post tonight!

6). Life too short to try to control what God is already controlling. It is a huge waste of time, trust me. Nuff said.

7). Life is too short to fold fitted sheets. Seriously, have you tried folding fitted sheets? Every time I did this, the fold never looked right and  always looked like I just rolled it up anyway. So, now I do.

8). Life is too short to regret. I have things I wish I did differently or wish I never did. I wish I had insisted more that something was wrong with me and not trusted my doctors dismissal of my concerns.  Maybe then, I would have been bringing a new baby into the world this month. Instead, I am trying to move past the due date of what will never be. I cannot honestly say that I would not take anything back in my life, especially this year, but whether life has been good, painful, right or wrong, I am where I am today because of it and because God's ability to make all things work for good, is without limitations.