Baby Steps

  And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Colossians 3:14
     I had such a busy week this last week. Richard and I planned a quick getaway for this last Saturday night. It was the first time in almost ten years of marriage we had an opportunity to get away together, alone. We planned to hit the Disney parks kid free and stay over at one of the resorts.
    My cousin and her husband offered to watch our four kids which is a huge blessing! I worked so hard in the days leading up, to be organized and have the house clean before we left, so when we got home Sunday night we could just relax. Anytime you go anywhere with or without kids you are still prepping just as much so things are prepared for the kids during the time you are gone.
    Well, despite my best intentions that did not happen. As it so often goes in my house, we were rushing out the door at 7am on Saturday morning, throwing last minute items in bags and leaving dirty dishes in the sink.
    A part of me was super excited for a night away, but another part of me was terrified. It doesn't matter how hard I try to hide my feelings, my husband can always tell when something is off with me. He sesned my apprehension towards our trip the morning before we left.
    The last thing I wanted to do was disappoint him. He was so excited to have me to himself. He had been sending me text messages each morning the week leading up with the countdown of number of days till we left. He even got us Disney pins that said we were celebrating our, "Date Day". (Yes, I was a good sport and wore the pin all day).
    When Richard expressed concern about my lack of enthusiasm about going away I initially brushed him off, assuring him that I was fine. Then I realized that by trying to spare his feeling I might actually be hurting them even more. Worried he  might come to his own assumption, I explained to him how I was feeling.
    I was actually terrified! I was literally scared to be alone with my own husband. We had spent the last six months since we lost the baby surrounded by our kids. They were my distraction, and without them around, I was vulnerable. What if I have changed so much that I don't know how to just spend time with my husband and have fun? What if the new "me" wasn't the "me" that he loved? What if we had nothing to talk about? What if I just couldn't let go of my anxieties and relax? What would that mean for us?
    Well I was right. Richard said I just wasn't much fun anymore and he left me sitting by the tea cups ..............Just kidding!
    Actually, we had a great time. I decided that our "Date Day" was going to be the first day of a new begining for us. I was going to let go and relax.
    First, I let go of my fear of roller coasters and rode Space Mountain. Yes, I know it is a baby coaster, but it is as scarey, and as fast as this wimp can tolerate. For the record they have upgraded it and it is much faster then it was years ago. I almost threw up on the guy in front of me who I think may not have appreciated me screaming at the top of my lungs right in his ear. I am certain he appreciated it when I started passing out and he no longer heard  my screams. My husband was cracking up at how long it took me to get color back to my face after that ride was over. I will never ride that again, so I hope he appreciated it!
    Second, I let go of my worry about how the kids were doing. They were in great hands and they were having a blast with their cousins. In fact when we picked them up Sunday night they asked if they could stay longer! So much for missing their mom!
   Third, I let go of my fear of people standing too close to me in line for Thunder Mountain. Seriously, September in Florida equals a lot of sweaty people standing in line and that line is not well ventalated. I found myself getting dizzy whenever I thought about all that sweat. Yuck!
    And last, I let go of my pain, at least for a while. When those sad thoughts crept into my mind reminding me that I still had a heartache, I shut those away.
    Our tears shed these last six months truly have brought us so much closer as a couple.  What I realized from our little trip was that we still are Richard and Sabrina, the couple who met one day, fell in love the next, and have been inseperable ever since. No matter what trials we face, we are still the best of friends who have as much fun together as we did eleven years ago when we were dating.
    No couple says, " bring on the hard times we are ready to struggle".  It takes a strong committment to see it through, and is accomplished often in  baby steps. But, with God as the center of our marriage we can heal together and have a blessed, united, intimate, and loving marriage that we would have never known, without having gone through the though times.