Fly

But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:31

Okay....... so it has been a while. In fact, it has been more than a week. I find it impossible to write unless something comes to me. And no I am not talking crazy and claiming my writing comes from a dream or a vision. I just mean I am not the type of person that can just force myself to write. So sometimes, I got nothing.
September was a rough month and I am glad it is over. I am sure a lot of it was my own anxiety building up about reaching and passing my scheduled due date. Now that it is past I feel like a huge burden has been lifted off my shoulders. I guess it was a right of passage and now I feel like I can really move on. I can take all the experiences I have had since losing the baby and all the changes I have made, apply them, and move forward.
I finally took all the sweet cards we received from so many wonderful friends, along with the dried roses and flower bouquets I have been holding on to, and put them in a special box. With them are all the ultrasounds I had, the onesies my best friend bought me, a photo frame, and a baby book. These little things are all I have of that baby and I think that child deserves a place of remembrance, even if it is in a gift box inside my hope chest.
I have also started considering what time of tree I would like to plant in remembrance of the baby. My church offered to assist with  planting a tree in memory of the baby, from the beginning, and I just have not been able to do it. I was not ready for closure, but now, I think I am.
I am at a peaceful place and it has been a long time coming. I have talked about in other posts some of the ways that I have changed, so I won't bore you with repeating them. I will say that the last six months have been a incredibly hard and yet I feel almost like a new person. No, I certainly am not grateful for losing the baby, but I a grateful for the opportunity that God gave me to grow and to learn. I feel now like more my true self then I ever have.
Saying that I feel more like my true self feels weird while although I feeling like I have grieved and started to let go of the baby, I know I have a long way to go with the anxiety issues. I said to my therapist that sometimes I feel guilty about having anxiety. If my faith was strong, I wouldn't be struggling, right? She, and others, put me at ease by reminding me that anxiety is your body's way of reacting to the fear of another traumatic event occurring again. It has nothing to do with lack of faith, or not being able to handles difficult times. It is not a sign of a lack of strength or a sign of weakness.
In fact perhaps,  a sign of my faith is my ability to be honest and very open about this experience despite what others would think. Faith is trusting that God will see me through these tough times. Faith is knowing that when you have come to the edge Of all light that you know and drop off into the darkness ,these things will happen: There will be something solid to crash on, you will once again stand, and then You will be taught to fly.
I think I am ready for flying lessons.