The Story

"The times when you have seen only one set of footprints, is when I carried you." ~ Mary Stevenson.

     I guess to read my opening post might be very confusing to those who are not close to me. Even for those who are close to me my first post may be much different than the usual cheery happy person that they talk to from day to day. Everything happened so quickly that even though it was announced on Facebook ( that is the new official way of announcing things, right?) many probably still didn't know that I was 3 and a half month pregnant with our fifth child back in March of this year. Surprised? So were we. Still to this day I am not so sure how that happened.That is a joke, please feel no need to give me the story of the birds and the bees.....I got it.

      Anyone who saw me regularly knew by my growing tummy, greenish tint to my face, and swollen feet I was definitely expecting. We were, as I said, completely shocked. Four had always been our number and after we had Samuel in 2010 we were complete. Four was a handful, but really not anymore than three was. We always wanted a big family so we just knew after our third child that there would definitely be a fourth.

     My husband was instantly overjoyed about baby number 5. I took a day or two to relax. I had been working a full time job at a law firm. I had been a stay at home mom for 8 years and then, just 6 weeks after I had Samuel a job fell into my lap and I had to take it. It truly was the perfect job. Still the thought of being a working mom of 5 kids was very overwhelming to me.
After a day or two my look of shock turned into a silly dreamy smile as I spent the next two weeks bitting my tongue and told no one.

     As soon as we had a heartbeat we told everyone. I have to say that everyone was as shocked as we were, but very excited. To know Richard and I, is to know that we love being a family. We love our children and enjoy every minute we have together. Never have we been the type to take advantage of what we have. We always stay close to home and spend anytime not working together with the kids. So it was official, our family of six was soon to be a family of seven. Leia put her request in for a sister. She wanted a sister so very bad and I wanted one for her. She certainly wasn't lacking in brothers, she already had three.

     In late February I started to have symptoms that concerned me. Having had four kids I considered myself (and still do for the record) to be an expert. Over the course of three weeks I contacted my doctor three times about my concerns both over the phone and in person. My concerns were dismissed as symptoms some pregnant women just get. One early morning I woke up cramping. It wasn't bad, but it was enough to make me uncomfortable. I took some Tylenol and returned to bed. I dreamed that I was standing in my bathroom at work covered in blood. When I woke up I knew something must not be right. I went to the ER on 3/14 and after some blood work and an ultrasound I was sent home an assured I was just fine. They never mentioned to me that my blood work came back with several abnormalities. The kind that would indicate to even someone who knows nothing about medicine that I had an infection. I went home and convinced myself I was fine.
The cramping continued into the next day, but began to get better. I relaxed thinking maybe I just had a stomach bug or some other simple ailment and that I was on the mend. However, that night my water broke while I was sitting on the couch. I wasn't entirely convinced because I never heard of someones water breaking this early so I went to the ER. I insisted to Richard he not go with me. I told him I was certain I was overreacting. The truth was I was trying to spare him the pain of watching me go through this.

     Once I saw the ultrasound I knew it bad. All of the amniotic fluid around the baby was gone. I assumed it was because the baby had died and I was miscarrying. But that was not at all the case. The baby's heart was beating away at 160 beast a minute. I could see little arms and legs moving on the screen.

     The ER doctor must not have known better because she sent me home. She told me that within a few hours the baby's heart would stop and I would begin lose the baby. What she did not know was that I was very sick and was about to become septic. My blood work was double the abnormal numbers form the day before. It was never mentioned.

     I have no idea how I got home that early morning. I think it was around 4am. I collapsed on the bed with Richard and we both cried for hours until the sun came up. By this time I was feeling very ill and had the chills. I called the office of a doctor I used to see and trusted with my life and went in. I again somehow convinced Richard I should go to the doctor alone. That way he could stay with the kids and they wouldn't catch on that there was something wrong.

     When I arrived at the office, the doctor did another ultrasound assuming that the baby was now "gone" and prepared to schedule a D&C. However, instead of seeing a quiet still uterus, what we saw was a baby whose heart was still going. It was at 165. Perfectly healthy heartbeat despite it's deteriorating surroundings. I could have turned away and not looked at the screen up on the wall, but I knew that what I was seeing was all I would ever see. I didn't want to miss that last opportunity.

     My doctor and I discussed my options. Without a doubt the baby would not be able to survive without water and was too young to live if born.While talking to me about the situation the doctor felt on exam that something more was going on here. My cervix was still closed. This was not normal for someone who's water broke hours ago. The doctor said my uterus felt hot and that he feared this was an infection that had not yet spiked a fever. My doctor did not have access to that blood work and was just going off my presentation, which was getting worse by the minute. I was told I had no choice but to abort the baby immediately. There was no time to wait and see if it's heart would soon stop, that could have taken weeks. There was no time to wait for a more humane way to end this baby's life with an injection to the heart before the procedure.

     I was taken to the hospital immediately and put on antibiotics, pain killers, a "cocktail" to make me relax before surgery. My husband got there just minutes before I was taken back. My doctor made sure I understood the procedure. Did I understand this was a dilation and curettage abortion? Yes, I told him I did. It raised questions with some nurses who questioned why this was being done while the baby's heart was still beating. There was something about the ethics board and some argumentative discussion that were held. My doctor looked down at me and said, "You didn't want five anyway right?" I felt a part of my die when I heard those words.

     I just lay there quietly with my eyes closed saying goodbye to the child I would not meet, but already loved. The fifth child that I wasn't planning on, but certainly wanted. I apologized in my heart for the procedure which was about to happened and asked God to be waiting for this baby on the other side. By this time I was feeling so ill I wasn't sure if he would be greeting one of us, or both of us. I was prepared for either.