Kinley

Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above.
~ James 1:17 from NKJV

It was about a week and a half before I lost my baby, that I was sitting in a hospital room with my best friend Shanna. We have been friends for fifteen years and had seen each other though everything. The loss of her parents, both of our marriages, college graduations, and the birth of my children, and now the birth of her first child. She had just given birth seven weeks early to her first baby, Kinley, by emergency C-section. I was sitting by her hospital bed in ICU, listening to her describe the last twenty-four hours prior to Kinley's arrival.

Shanna's husband was out of town Friday when she began to feel seriously ill. She decided to hold off until the next morning to go in to the doctor. I still feel ill when I think of what could have happened to her alone in that house. I was only five minutes away and had I known I would have been with her all night. When she reached her doctor's office the next morning her blood pressure was through the roof and her blood work showing she was septic. The doctors had to take the baby, as Shanna's life was in jeopardy. There was no time to wait for her husband to fly home from New Jersey, the baby needed to be taken now and Shanna had to go under general anesthesia.

I got the call from our friend Angela while I was napping. I had not been feeling well and Richard took the kids out so I could rest. It turns out I had missed half a dozen calls prior.  I jumped up in a panic throwing on clothes and racing out the door. I was desperate to get to the hospital before she woke up from surgery. I felt horrible  that she had to go into surgery without me there.

So, there I sat there listening to her describe how she had been feeling I gently lectured her for not calling me the night before, for continuing to work while she was experiencing chest pain, and for being too passive about her symptoms that could have killed her.
If only I had realized that at that moment I was doing the same thing. I had been experiencing swelling in my upper abdomen, headaches, racing heart, chest pain, sudden weight gain, and a general feeling of malice. I was just struggling to continue with my day, thinking these symptoms were just a result from being so tired having to work and care for four children. I didn't know that I was placing myself in the same danger I was lecturing Shanna about.

Kinley did great! She was only in NICU for about a month. Close to two weeks into her stay I still had not been able to come and see her as I had been feeling pretty rough. I felt terrible that I wasn't there with my best friend and had not yet spent time with her baby.

Shanna went every morning and night to be with Kinley at the hospital. She was at the hospital with her husband the night my water broke. I knew they were there but I didn't have the heart to call her and tell her to come downstairs to the ER. I didn't want her, or anyone else to sit there and hurt for me. It was ironic she was on one floor spending time with her precious baby and downstairs I was saying goodbye to mine.

Each time I had a baby, Shanna would remind me that we were supposed to be pregnant together and to not let it happen again until she was ready to have a baby as well. Well, after my fourth we concluded that we would never be pregnant together and have babies the same age. That is, until she got the call from me and I told her the news. She was shocked, but so excited. We would actually get to be pregnant together, the babies just a few months apart and they would be the best of friends. It was actually going to happen!
Obviously in life our plans do not always pan out. One week she gave birth to Kinley and a week or so later I tragically had to say goodbye to mine. Our babies would never be rolling on the floor together while we chatted over coffee. We would not be swapping baby clothes. If mine was a girl ( we did not have a chance to find out for sure, but I know it was a girl and I have always been right! ) they would never have play dates where they dressed up and played with their dolls. If mine was a boy he would never chase Kinley around the house with frogs or run her dolls over with trucks. It was a dream that ended. Abruptly.

My therapist asked me what things I avoid now. I rambled off many different things that easily trigger tears. Not tears of pity for myself, just sadness for the loss. She asked me if I avoid babies. Not all, I answered, not Kinley.

Kinley is my best friend's child. I call her my niece and see her as the same. She is as precious to me as one of my own. I anticipated her arrival with Shanna for months! I could see how I could struggle with memories of the hurt of my own loss when I am with her, but instead I am reminded of God's perfect plan. He brought Kinley safely into this world and took mine safely to heaven. Both are his children. Neither less significant than the other. Sometimes if I am feeling sad, I will I spend time holding Kinley. I could sit and snuggle her for hours. She is a precious connection to the baby I lost. She is a living example of God's miracles and beautiful reminder of the baby I will someday see in heaven.