Marriage and Miscarriage

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 1 Corinthians 13:7

Losing a baby will do one of two things for a marriage. A marriage will either strengthened or it will be  torn apart. Richard and I have always been close and communicated well, but even the best of marriages will face challenges. With each challenge you work through, your marriage will grow stronger. The challenge though, can be a treacherous journey.

 Just a month before we lost the baby we attended a weekend marriage conference at our church. Initially, it did not look like we would be able to go, as the probability of getting someone to watch the kids for the weekend look grim. To pay for a sitter would have been a hefty bill. At the last minute a  woman from our church called out of the blue and offered to watch the kids as a favor. ( I am fairly certain that my pastor might have mentioned something to her, but he never confessed to doing such:)). I was relieved to have Teri watch the kids as she was always great with them in Sunday school and was a mother of four grown children herself. I knew I wouldn't have to worry about a thing that weekend. So, off we went.
We really enjoyed the conference. Simply being able to sit down next to each other and relax uninterrupted was awesome in itself! We ended that weekend refreshed and gained some great insight on how to grow closer as a couple. Having that opportunity to attend that conference truly prepared us for the crisis that lay ahead.
We knew that it would be crucial that we cling to each other and focus on healing our family from our loss. It is very easy to turn inward when you experience a traumatic event. Because it is primarily the woman who feels the biggest impact physically and mentally after a miscarriage, working through the loss can be especially trying on a marriage even under the best circumstances. Each person is experiencing different emotions of their own and receiving different reactions from others as well.

My husband, Richard, is a great husband and father. He is one hundred percent family man. The first time I saw him interact with my 5 month old niece while we were dating I knew this guy will be an awesome father someday. Our four kids adore their dad. He is with them whenever he is not working. He is the kind of guy that is always thinking about me and the kids and would rather be with us then anywhere else. As I said in an earlier post, Richard did not bat an eye at having a fifth baby. He was  just as excited as he was when we were expecting our first child.

Although Richard did not come to my most of my first trimester appointments, (he was either working or watching the kids when I had appointments) he did come to my  12 week ultrasound, along with our two youngest boys. We all watched the baby moving around on the screen. My son Benjamin was so excited!  He instantly said, "told you so mom". He said this because he had insisted a month earlier I was having a baby because "he could hear the baby's heartbeat in my tummy":) I was grateful that Richard made it to that ultrasound. It made the pregnancy real to him, he could finally see what I was feeling. It was also the only time he would ever see the baby.

When we got out to the car after the appointment I pulled the visor down to check my makeup and down fell a card into my lap. It was signed with a simple, " I love you so very much". This was the day we were officially telling everyone we were expecting, and he wanted me to know that he truly was excited about the new addition to come.

The only times I have seen my husband cry, have been when we visited his father's grave, said our vows, when he saw each of our children for the first time, and when they wheeled me to surgery to take the baby. After the procedure, because I was so sick, I couldn't see him for over two hours. When he was finally brought back to be with me, he had changed from the man I looked back at as I was being taken to surgery. He now had a different role to play. He was supposed to be strong for me.

I believe that Richard would say that his biggest struggle was understanding what he could do to help me. When men are confronted with problems they try to find a solution. There was no solution here, just pain that had to be worked through. Sometimes the best thing he could do, was say nothing and just be with me while I cried or woke up from a nightmare.
He had his own feeling as well, but put them aside to be strong for me. At times I would take his desire to be strong for me as his lack of sadness or disconnect from what happened. I had to realize that although he processed his grief differently, he felt the pain of our loss just the same. There were times when I saw glimpses of that sadness, but for the most part he kept that from me.

Most of the focus after the loss of a child is on the mom. I have been so blessed to have had so many people who care and call to check in on me or stop by to visit. Men, however tend to get far little support. With the exception of some close friends and members of our church, Richard rarely received calls asking how he was. In fact it seemed just the opposite.

Richard was expected  to continue to be the same son, brother, friend, co-worker that he once was before. Anything other then what was expected of him, seemed to be almost taken offensively by others. It was as if it wasn't his loss, but mine. If he wasn't taking care of me and the kids he was usually having a conversation with someone who couldn't understand why he wasn't attending a get together or calling as often as he used to.  It was difficult to see him have to deal with so much. If Richard was writing this he would say it was no big deal. He was just doing his job as a husband and father. That makes it sounds so simple, but he truly was the glue that held our family together until I could begin to function again.

 One of the things that we took away from the marriage conference, was that we needed to make our marriage a priority among all things. Richard has been a rock for me, and for that I am grateful. Our journey through healing from our loss is far from over. Next month will be a big month for us. It will be the month the baby was due and also Richard's fortieth birthday. There are difficult emotions to work through yet to come, but we know if we look towards God and lean on each other we will continue to work towards a place of peace and healing for our family.