As always I'll begin this post with the proclamation that I cannot believe that I have not posted in so long. Actually I can believe it, because I didn't feel like writing anything.
I simply didn't understand when after Mother's Day I took a steep dive downhill for about six weeks. I thought I was just depressed. That "depression" got worse and then I felt had lost all feelings for my husband. Then it got even worse and I lost all feelings for my kids, friends, cooking, shopping, and life in general. Every once in a while I would have a good day or two, but other than that, I functioned at the bare minimum. I knew I was drowning. I went back to my doctor looking for answers, but I was told what I already knew. Times like this were to be expected. That did me no good.
So I self medicated the best way I knew how. at first it wasn't deliberate then it was. I closed down, stopped talking about how I felt, drank more wine then I care to remember, ran (not a bad thing if you aren't running from something), stopped eating, and allowed myself to get into a situation that was destructive to me. I knew it was destructive because I felt it. But, it was all I felt, so I continued.
Now, I am not talking about all this happening over the course of a year. Literally it was more like four weeks until I finally broke down and asked some trusted girlfriends to help get me out of my situation. Around my table one night they did just that. I cried for two days. But on a positive note, at least I was crying. I was feeling something again. I got a good dose of how much I had. How much I loved my kids and how much I loved my husband. He could have, and should have, turned his back on me. Instead he literally was my knight and shining armor and saved me. He fixed my mess, stood up for me, protected me, and made sure while doing all that I knew just how much he loved me, unconditionally. He never said one " I told you so", or "look what you've done".
During all of this, a couple "friends" turned their back on me. See, they were the ones who praised me over the last year about how "proud they were of me", how "brave, and strong I was". But, when I was no longer those things and my weaknesses shined through, they couldn't manage. Why? Because they knew they were no different. I was a mirror of how they feel inside. I was a mirror of the feeling they drown in their 70 hour work weeks and obsessive "religious righteousness". I thought losing those friendships would be devastating, but as it is with many things once I saw the truth, I wanted nothing to do with it. Interestingly as they left my life, others walked right in and took their place. Calls came to me from out of the blue from friends I hadn't seen lately or heard from due to busy lives. They were right where I needed them, by my side to lend an ear or just ask how I was.
All of this drama made me realize something. My PTSD isn't leaving tomorrow and I have to learn how to deal with it. I have to know how to recognize when things are going bad and stop them before they get worse. I have to ask my church family to pray for me. I have to call a friend to talk about how dark I feel. I have to allow my family in. I cannot shut them, of all people out.
I have learned that I have to accept who I am in this moment and live in this moment. I have researched PTSD a little more. I have spent time thinking about what I can do to help myself. I have chosen some avenues to focus my energy that will make me stronger and healthier and are for me and me alone.
There will always be people who cannot accept me for who I am, an imperfect person. But if I have achieved anything it is acceptance of myself and the ability to let go of those who cannot accept me. I have been where they will one day be, and acceptance, tolerance, and forgiveness, are life-altering lessons I am thankful to have learned for I will be better for it.
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