Blog Slacker

      When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider this: God has made the one
as well as the other. Ecclesiastes 7:14

     So it has been almost two months to the date since I last posted. I was disappointed in myself for letting so much time go by, but sometimes things just get a little crazy. There are a few reasons for this. One, the holidays were busy. Two, after sleepily setting my laptop on my floor next to my bed, my daughter came into my room that night and stepped on it. That turned my screen into a spider web. Since my hubby is often working on our PC, that laptop was my lifeline to communication. So now I am looking at tablets:)  Third, well, I didn't have much to say. In fact my husband can attest to this. He has been used to ten years of coming home to me rambling on and on about anything and everything, but lately I just didn't feel motivated to say much at all. I was going through a time where I just had to process some things in my head.  Fourth, I am not sure where I want to focus this blog. Do I want to just customize this for women who have experienced loss, or do I want to use this as an outlet to just write whatever I feel led to share? Don't know.
     What I do know if that I have been preparing myself for March 16th. This was a date that I set in my mind as a closure date. It was the date we had to terminate the pregnancy. Or for those who prefer I don't say this because it makes them uncomfortable, it was the date that God chose our baby had to go to home with him, so I could remain here. ( If you are seeing my blog for the first time, go back to my first two posts).
     So much has happened in a year. I am a completely different person. Despite dealing with PTSD, I am somehow happier and more at peace then ever before. I don't sweat the small stuff, or even the big stuff. My marriage is stronger, my children are happier and my faith is unstoppable. There is a reason why, I dealt with the issues from my loss right away. The good, the bad, and the really bad. I looked to my faith to get me through, and it did. At some point next month we are going to plant a tree in our yard as a symbol of the life we lost and a means of closure. I would be lying if I said I was looking forward to it, but I know it must be done
     Let me tell you, choosing to deal with something straight forward makes others uncomfortable. Our choice to focus only on our family and healing this year brought us some betrayal, which of course brought pain. But, God has his hands in all things and we find ourselves at peace that we have made the right choices. The blessing that we have experienced have shown us so. Nothing feels as good as being at peace. It is like a cloud that was hanging over us is now gone.
     And so as my last year draws to a close I am pondering where to go from here. I know this much, I want to continue to live like tomorrow won't be here. Because I know what it is like to be put to sleep thinking tomorrow might now come. I don't want to miss a moment of joy from my children, laughter with my friends, love with my husband. I want to continue to live without fear which means I will be doing more marathons and riding more roller coasters :).

    Perhaps the way things are now is the way they always should have been and it took a loss to bring me here.

   Regardless I am here........................... and I am happy.

Return To Sender

“I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.   Ephesians 3:16-21

  With the hoiday season can come a lot of jokes about  packages that come to our homes that we would like to, well, return to the sender. These packages might contain the ugly Christmas sweater from Grandma, the Jelly of the Month club from a friend, or the ever so popular fruit cake that seems to always be sent by a distant aunt.
     Out of the spirit of the season we usually do not ( at least I hope you don't) return these items to where they came from, because we know that it is "the thought that counts" ( that and your aunt thinks her fruit cake is truly the best thing ever!). We pack the sweater in a box in the back of the closet and we let the the new jelly that comes each month stack on top of the one from the month before in our pantry. Oh and the fruitcake? If you are smart you re-gift that one quickly! None of these things are harmful or impact our lives too much, except to take up more space in our house.
     This made me think, what do we do with the things that come our way that are harmful? What are these things? Maybe it is hurtful words from someone you care about, maybe it is unwanted and un-deserved judgment from others, maybe it is gossip about you at church, work, or even amongst your family. Maybe it is the low self esteem that came with your job loss. Maybe it is years of pain and guilt from a loss.
      We all have experiences from time to time when someone has hurt us deeply or feelings come as the result of a difficult situation and we don't know what to do with them. If we allow hurtful words, negative thoughts, self doubt and feelings of unworthiness and rejection into our lives, they will just keep stacking up in the pantry of our hearts filling us with resentment and causing us to be insecure about who we are, and more importantly who are are in God.
     So what can we do when we are struggling with difficult circumstances, judgment, hurtful words or actions from others? Return to Sender.
     Now, that does not mean respond in the same way you were treated. It means do not take ownership. Do not allow untruths to enter your heart and gradually stack up. Face each situation that and make a choice not to take ownership of someone else's words or behavior. Decide not to let the divorce you are facing, the job that you lost, or the family who rejected you define who you are.
     If you define yourself in what others feel about you, the job you have, how much money you make, or how perfect you life looks to others, you will ALWAYS be grossly disappointed. But, if you look to God to find your value, you will always be complete.
     So, on Christmas when the fruit cake is opened, the Jelly of the Month is grape (yay!), and you so badly wish you could send the sweater (along with all the others ones Grandma has sent) back, refrain from doing so. But if you find yourself unable to feel much joy during this time of year,when you are facing difficult times, return those thoughts and feeling to the sender. Remind yourself who you are in God and just how valuable he knows you are.
     If it is not of light then it is not of God. If it is not of God, then it is not good enough to dwell in your house, in your mind, or in your heart. Send it back.