Blog Slacker

      When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider this: God has made the one
as well as the other. Ecclesiastes 7:14

     So it has been almost two months to the date since I last posted. I was disappointed in myself for letting so much time go by, but sometimes things just get a little crazy. There are a few reasons for this. One, the holidays were busy. Two, after sleepily setting my laptop on my floor next to my bed, my daughter came into my room that night and stepped on it. That turned my screen into a spider web. Since my hubby is often working on our PC, that laptop was my lifeline to communication. So now I am looking at tablets:)  Third, well, I didn't have much to say. In fact my husband can attest to this. He has been used to ten years of coming home to me rambling on and on about anything and everything, but lately I just didn't feel motivated to say much at all. I was going through a time where I just had to process some things in my head.  Fourth, I am not sure where I want to focus this blog. Do I want to just customize this for women who have experienced loss, or do I want to use this as an outlet to just write whatever I feel led to share? Don't know.
     What I do know if that I have been preparing myself for March 16th. This was a date that I set in my mind as a closure date. It was the date we had to terminate the pregnancy. Or for those who prefer I don't say this because it makes them uncomfortable, it was the date that God chose our baby had to go to home with him, so I could remain here. ( If you are seeing my blog for the first time, go back to my first two posts).
     So much has happened in a year. I am a completely different person. Despite dealing with PTSD, I am somehow happier and more at peace then ever before. I don't sweat the small stuff, or even the big stuff. My marriage is stronger, my children are happier and my faith is unstoppable. There is a reason why, I dealt with the issues from my loss right away. The good, the bad, and the really bad. I looked to my faith to get me through, and it did. At some point next month we are going to plant a tree in our yard as a symbol of the life we lost and a means of closure. I would be lying if I said I was looking forward to it, but I know it must be done
     Let me tell you, choosing to deal with something straight forward makes others uncomfortable. Our choice to focus only on our family and healing this year brought us some betrayal, which of course brought pain. But, God has his hands in all things and we find ourselves at peace that we have made the right choices. The blessing that we have experienced have shown us so. Nothing feels as good as being at peace. It is like a cloud that was hanging over us is now gone.
     And so as my last year draws to a close I am pondering where to go from here. I know this much, I want to continue to live like tomorrow won't be here. Because I know what it is like to be put to sleep thinking tomorrow might now come. I don't want to miss a moment of joy from my children, laughter with my friends, love with my husband. I want to continue to live without fear which means I will be doing more marathons and riding more roller coasters :).

    Perhaps the way things are now is the way they always should have been and it took a loss to bring me here.

   Regardless I am here........................... and I am happy.

I Can't

     I am compassionate about most things and towards most people. I make an effort to not hold others to the same expectations that  I hold myself. I have pushed through so many difficult times, that " I can't" is simply not in my vocabulary. One things that is so difficult for me to hear others say is, " I can't change this situation" or, "I can't do that".
      I didn't think I could live through losing a baby the way I did, but I choose to, and I became better for it. I didn't think I could get healthy and get in shape when all I really wanted to do was lay on the couch and feel sorry for myself. I did, and I have lost 50 pounds to show for it. I certainly did not think that I could run a half marathon, but a few weeks ago  I ran one and I finished. I crossed the finish line with a pulled tendon in my right foot, bloody blisters, and two lost toe nails ( I feel like a freak of nature with no toe nails, Akkkkk!!!).  Around mile ten I was crying through the pain. But I refused to stop.
     The point? None of those accomplishments were without some pain along the way.
     I am thankful for how far I have come, and sympathetic to those who find themselves stuck. I sometimes find myself stuck working through certain emotions that I still struggle with. I have to remind myself that not everything comes immediately and some things are simply on God's timing, not mine. 
    One thing I know is that nothing is permanent and anything can change if you truly want it to. None of us are predestined to a life of unhappiness, we choose it for ourselves.
     If we are willing to take a leap of faith, trust God to see us through, heal from our losses, get off the couch, and maybe incur a few injuries along the way we can come to a place where we are no longer living  a life of unhappiness and mindless routines, but a life of passion and a live where WE CAN.

The Story

"The times when you have seen only one set of footprints, is when I carried you." ~ Mary Stevenson.

     I guess to read my opening post might be very confusing to those who are not close to me. Even for those who are close to me my first post may be much different than the usual cheery happy person that they talk to from day to day. Everything happened so quickly that even though it was announced on Facebook ( that is the new official way of announcing things, right?) many probably still didn't know that I was 3 and a half month pregnant with our fifth child back in March of this year. Surprised? So were we. Still to this day I am not so sure how that happened.That is a joke, please feel no need to give me the story of the birds and the bees.....I got it.

      Anyone who saw me regularly knew by my growing tummy, greenish tint to my face, and swollen feet I was definitely expecting. We were, as I said, completely shocked. Four had always been our number and after we had Samuel in 2010 we were complete. Four was a handful, but really not anymore than three was. We always wanted a big family so we just knew after our third child that there would definitely be a fourth.

     My husband was instantly overjoyed about baby number 5. I took a day or two to relax. I had been working a full time job at a law firm. I had been a stay at home mom for 8 years and then, just 6 weeks after I had Samuel a job fell into my lap and I had to take it. It truly was the perfect job. Still the thought of being a working mom of 5 kids was very overwhelming to me.
After a day or two my look of shock turned into a silly dreamy smile as I spent the next two weeks bitting my tongue and told no one.

     As soon as we had a heartbeat we told everyone. I have to say that everyone was as shocked as we were, but very excited. To know Richard and I, is to know that we love being a family. We love our children and enjoy every minute we have together. Never have we been the type to take advantage of what we have. We always stay close to home and spend anytime not working together with the kids. So it was official, our family of six was soon to be a family of seven. Leia put her request in for a sister. She wanted a sister so very bad and I wanted one for her. She certainly wasn't lacking in brothers, she already had three.

     In late February I started to have symptoms that concerned me. Having had four kids I considered myself (and still do for the record) to be an expert. Over the course of three weeks I contacted my doctor three times about my concerns both over the phone and in person. My concerns were dismissed as symptoms some pregnant women just get. One early morning I woke up cramping. It wasn't bad, but it was enough to make me uncomfortable. I took some Tylenol and returned to bed. I dreamed that I was standing in my bathroom at work covered in blood. When I woke up I knew something must not be right. I went to the ER on 3/14 and after some blood work and an ultrasound I was sent home an assured I was just fine. They never mentioned to me that my blood work came back with several abnormalities. The kind that would indicate to even someone who knows nothing about medicine that I had an infection. I went home and convinced myself I was fine.
The cramping continued into the next day, but began to get better. I relaxed thinking maybe I just had a stomach bug or some other simple ailment and that I was on the mend. However, that night my water broke while I was sitting on the couch. I wasn't entirely convinced because I never heard of someones water breaking this early so I went to the ER. I insisted to Richard he not go with me. I told him I was certain I was overreacting. The truth was I was trying to spare him the pain of watching me go through this.

     Once I saw the ultrasound I knew it bad. All of the amniotic fluid around the baby was gone. I assumed it was because the baby had died and I was miscarrying. But that was not at all the case. The baby's heart was beating away at 160 beast a minute. I could see little arms and legs moving on the screen.

     The ER doctor must not have known better because she sent me home. She told me that within a few hours the baby's heart would stop and I would begin lose the baby. What she did not know was that I was very sick and was about to become septic. My blood work was double the abnormal numbers form the day before. It was never mentioned.

     I have no idea how I got home that early morning. I think it was around 4am. I collapsed on the bed with Richard and we both cried for hours until the sun came up. By this time I was feeling very ill and had the chills. I called the office of a doctor I used to see and trusted with my life and went in. I again somehow convinced Richard I should go to the doctor alone. That way he could stay with the kids and they wouldn't catch on that there was something wrong.

     When I arrived at the office, the doctor did another ultrasound assuming that the baby was now "gone" and prepared to schedule a D&C. However, instead of seeing a quiet still uterus, what we saw was a baby whose heart was still going. It was at 165. Perfectly healthy heartbeat despite it's deteriorating surroundings. I could have turned away and not looked at the screen up on the wall, but I knew that what I was seeing was all I would ever see. I didn't want to miss that last opportunity.

     My doctor and I discussed my options. Without a doubt the baby would not be able to survive without water and was too young to live if born.While talking to me about the situation the doctor felt on exam that something more was going on here. My cervix was still closed. This was not normal for someone who's water broke hours ago. The doctor said my uterus felt hot and that he feared this was an infection that had not yet spiked a fever. My doctor did not have access to that blood work and was just going off my presentation, which was getting worse by the minute. I was told I had no choice but to abort the baby immediately. There was no time to wait and see if it's heart would soon stop, that could have taken weeks. There was no time to wait for a more humane way to end this baby's life with an injection to the heart before the procedure.

     I was taken to the hospital immediately and put on antibiotics, pain killers, a "cocktail" to make me relax before surgery. My husband got there just minutes before I was taken back. My doctor made sure I understood the procedure. Did I understand this was a dilation and curettage abortion? Yes, I told him I did. It raised questions with some nurses who questioned why this was being done while the baby's heart was still beating. There was something about the ethics board and some argumentative discussion that were held. My doctor looked down at me and said, "You didn't want five anyway right?" I felt a part of my die when I heard those words.

     I just lay there quietly with my eyes closed saying goodbye to the child I would not meet, but already loved. The fifth child that I wasn't planning on, but certainly wanted. I apologized in my heart for the procedure which was about to happened and asked God to be waiting for this baby on the other side. By this time I was feeling so ill I wasn't sure if he would be greeting one of us, or both of us. I was prepared for either.

Something Solid to Land On

“When you have come to the edge Of all light that you know And are about to drop off into the darkness Of the unknown, Faith is knowing One of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or You will be taught to fly”~ Patrick Overton

I have been thinking about writing this blog for months now. I used to journal all the time when I was a teenager and in my early twenties. Well, basically before I became a mom. I would write for hours about all of my dreams and all of my drama. Of course, I thought my life was so very complicated then. I guess my mother was right. My life was nothing near complicated then.In fact she has been right about a few things now, so I have no plans on telling her that I am writing this blog. No need to feed her ego.

Today just happen to be the day I sat down before midnight and had time to myself. It is amazing to me how many things I can think about writing, but when I sit down to do so, I cannot find those words again. In fact for the last four months or so, my mind has raced with thoughts all day, everyday.

My title for my blog, " A Thread of Grace" explains my life to a perfect point. I am here because I am hanging onto a thread of the Grace of God.


I do not imagine that my story is unlike so many other people who have been dealt a blow by life that knocked them off of their feet. The kind of blow that leaves you dazed and confused and fighting to find the person that you were or at least the person who you have now become.

Life's trials come in all shapes and sizes. What is devistating and life altering to one, is a walk in the park for another. When you think that you are in the midst of something so big that nothing could not hurt any more than it does at that moment, you will often find later that yes, in fact you can hurt more and it can be worse. The good news is that no matter how far down you go, no matter how much it hurts, there is a heavenly father who waits. He doesn't wait to simply get us through situations, but to see us through life's trials.

The quote above by Patrick Overton is one of my favorites. I disagree slightly though with his view. I think that when we have come to the edge of all light and drop off a cliff into the darkness that instead of something being there for us to stand on, it is often more like a drop off a cliff onto rocks below that leave you wounded and waiting for rescue. You see, sometimes you are so injured you have to heal before you can stand, let alone fly.

I have heard too many times lately, "Well, if anyway can get through this you can". I hate to disappoint those who themselves feel better by thinking that I am Superwoman, but no, I am not such a strong person and right now I am not just getting through this. In fact, I want to, " just get through" this. To get through it means to find closure, and closure to me seems scarey. The only connection I have is a painful one. I would rather have a painful connection then have no connection at all.

Too often when we experience something painful we try to "get through it" quickly to move on with our lives. But "getting through" isn't working through. It isn't healing. It isn't real.

So here I am, having been smashed into the rocks that were waiting for me as I dropped of the edge of the light into the darkness. I am sitting here. I am not ready to stand up, and too wounded to fly. But I am not alone for God is here with me. I never asked him for a miracle. I only asked that he not leave me alone. He hasn't.