When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider this: God has made the one
as well as the other. Ecclesiastes 7:14
So it has been almost two months to the date since I last posted. I was disappointed in myself for letting so much time go by, but sometimes things just get a little crazy. There are a few reasons for this. One, the holidays were busy. Two, after sleepily setting my laptop on my floor next to my bed, my daughter came into my room that night and stepped on it. That turned my screen into a spider web. Since my hubby is often working on our PC, that laptop was my lifeline to communication. So now I am looking at tablets:) Third, well, I didn't have much to say. In fact my husband can attest to this. He has been used to ten years of coming home to me rambling on and on about anything and everything, but lately I just didn't feel motivated to say much at all. I was going through a time where I just had to process some things in my head. Fourth, I am not sure where I want to focus this blog. Do I want to just customize this for women who have experienced loss, or do I want to use this as an outlet to just write whatever I feel led to share? Don't know.
What I do know if that I have been preparing myself for March 16th. This was a date that I set in my mind as a closure date. It was the date we had to terminate the pregnancy. Or for those who prefer I don't say this because it makes them uncomfortable, it was the date that God chose our baby had to go to home with him, so I could remain here. ( If you are seeing my blog for the first time, go back to my first two posts).
So much has happened in a year. I am a completely different person. Despite dealing with PTSD, I am somehow happier and more at peace then ever before. I don't sweat the small stuff, or even the big stuff. My marriage is stronger, my children are happier and my faith is unstoppable. There is a reason why, I dealt with the issues from my loss right away. The good, the bad, and the really bad. I looked to my faith to get me through, and it did. At some point next month we are going to plant a tree in our yard as a symbol of the life we lost and a means of closure. I would be lying if I said I was looking forward to it, but I know it must be done
Let me tell you, choosing to deal with something straight forward makes others uncomfortable. Our choice to focus only on our family and healing this year brought us some betrayal, which of course brought pain. But, God has his hands in all things and we find ourselves at peace that we have made the right choices. The blessing that we have experienced have shown us so. Nothing feels as good as being at peace. It is like a cloud that was hanging over us is now gone.
And so as my last year draws to a close I am pondering where to go from here. I know this much, I want to continue to live like tomorrow won't be here. Because I know what it is like to be put to sleep thinking tomorrow might now come. I don't want to miss a moment of joy from my children, laughter with my friends, love with my husband. I want to continue to live without fear which means I will be doing more marathons and riding more roller coasters :).
Perhaps the way things are now is the way they always should have been and it took a loss to bring me here.
Regardless I am here........................... and I am happy.
Showing posts with label loss of pregnancy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label loss of pregnancy. Show all posts
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Meant to Be
"Behold, I have inscribed you on the palms of My hands; Your walls are in My view continuously." (Isaiah 49:16)
The absolute most ignorant ( pardon my bluntness) thing that can be said to a woman who has lost a baby is, " It wasn't meant to be".
The day after I got home my husband took the kids with him to the airport to meet grandma. I planned on turning on the TV and resting, but I found myself, as I often do, just blankly staring, processing nothing that I was watching.
My phone rang not too long into their absence. It was a family member calling to check on me. The call started off awkward as it usually does when people are not sure what to say. I spoke as quickly as possible with the hopes of ending the call.
Then, I heard four words that, still today, make me cringe. "Well, you know it just wasn't meant to be".
I stuttered for a moment trying to get a response to leave my lips. " But it was meant to be. There was nothing wrong with the baby, there was something wrong with me. I was sick. The doctor said there was this infection that had probably been there was a couple weeks and that if it wasn't for that my water.........". I was cut off with a curt, " We can say, 'if this or that happened', Sabrina, but it is, what it is".
What do you think it the second things I hate to hear the most? Yep you guessed it, " It is, what it is". To me that just sounds lazy. It is a way of brushing things off that you cannot understand. Or, perhaps it is a way of brushing off things you don't want to understand because it may leave you with questions. The answers might shake up a belief you have about who God is. It may make you realize that no matter what you do or how hard you try to control your environment, you have no control. Only He does. That can be a scary concept to grasp. But, I assure you once you do it will be your greatest comfort.
I became very defensive and hurt during this phone call. I was trying to defend the validity of this unborn child. "It" was meant to be. "It" isn't just "what it is".
I think that I speak for all women who have had to bear the grief of losing a baby when I say that, my baby had ten fingers and ten toes fingers. It had a beating heart just like you and I. It could suck it's thumb. It was God's perfect creation that he meant to make. I loved it already. I dreamed of it's cherub face an tiny feet. It was mine , it was real, and it was meant to be.
An therein lies my own misconception. This baby was not mine, it was God's. It was his to take home. Our children our not ours, they are His. He gives them to us for a time. He expects us to raise them with the same love and discipline he shows us. When I think about the love I have for my children, it is a love that is so deep it hurts. Magnify that times anything I could possibly comprehend and I see that He loves them more then I could EVER love them, because his love is Infinite.
It is because of the promise of his Infinite love, that when I close my eyes I can see him waiting with open arms to welcome home his child that I lost.
The absolute most ignorant ( pardon my bluntness) thing that can be said to a woman who has lost a baby is, " It wasn't meant to be".
The day after I got home my husband took the kids with him to the airport to meet grandma. I planned on turning on the TV and resting, but I found myself, as I often do, just blankly staring, processing nothing that I was watching.
My phone rang not too long into their absence. It was a family member calling to check on me. The call started off awkward as it usually does when people are not sure what to say. I spoke as quickly as possible with the hopes of ending the call.
Then, I heard four words that, still today, make me cringe. "Well, you know it just wasn't meant to be".
I stuttered for a moment trying to get a response to leave my lips. " But it was meant to be. There was nothing wrong with the baby, there was something wrong with me. I was sick. The doctor said there was this infection that had probably been there was a couple weeks and that if it wasn't for that my water.........". I was cut off with a curt, " We can say, 'if this or that happened', Sabrina, but it is, what it is".
What do you think it the second things I hate to hear the most? Yep you guessed it, " It is, what it is". To me that just sounds lazy. It is a way of brushing things off that you cannot understand. Or, perhaps it is a way of brushing off things you don't want to understand because it may leave you with questions. The answers might shake up a belief you have about who God is. It may make you realize that no matter what you do or how hard you try to control your environment, you have no control. Only He does. That can be a scary concept to grasp. But, I assure you once you do it will be your greatest comfort.
I became very defensive and hurt during this phone call. I was trying to defend the validity of this unborn child. "It" was meant to be. "It" isn't just "what it is".
I think that I speak for all women who have had to bear the grief of losing a baby when I say that, my baby had ten fingers and ten toes fingers. It had a beating heart just like you and I. It could suck it's thumb. It was God's perfect creation that he meant to make. I loved it already. I dreamed of it's cherub face an tiny feet. It was mine , it was real, and it was meant to be.
An therein lies my own misconception. This baby was not mine, it was God's. It was his to take home. Our children our not ours, they are His. He gives them to us for a time. He expects us to raise them with the same love and discipline he shows us. When I think about the love I have for my children, it is a love that is so deep it hurts. Magnify that times anything I could possibly comprehend and I see that He loves them more then I could EVER love them, because his love is Infinite.
It is because of the promise of his Infinite love, that when I close my eyes I can see him waiting with open arms to welcome home his child that I lost.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Aftershock
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. (Isaiah 41:10)
My doctor says the first thing I said when I woke up was, " I woke up?" He told me that the infection was so bad that if we had just waited a few more hours, things would not have turned out well. In other words I would have died. I didn't know at that moment that getting through surgery was just one obstacle for me. In post op my blood pressure started getting into the 180' and my heart rate the 150's. They tried for over two hours to stabilize me, with no luck. Finally after two hours they brought Richard to be with me in post op ( the restricted area...whatever) and within 20 minutes my blood pressure started going down enough to move me to a room. However, my fever kicked in and thus began my fighting off a serious infection that had spread through my body.
I don't remember too much about my time in the hospital. I was fairly well drugged and spent most of my time either sleeping or watching CNN and the earthquake in Japan. I refused to eat anything but Italian Ices.I remember feeling so deeply for those people and thinking just how insignificant my tragedy was compared to theirs. I was so blessed to have four beautiful children. I felt selfish to feel sorry for myself when there people across the world were losing everything they had, their family members and home. I watched their entire lives literally washing away on the screen in front of me.
My mother in-law had come to stay with the kids. After the first night they were wondering where mommy was and my husband and his mom decided to sit them down and tell them what happened to the baby. I was so thankful that the kids were being looked after and even more thankful that I did not have to see their reactions to the bad news. I knew they would be heartbroken. Knowing that made my heart hurt more.
After a couple of days on IV antibiotics, my doctor finally came to me and said if my fever did not stay down and spiked again the next day he was calling in infectious diseases. I was terrified. I wanted to go home. I wanted to be home with my husband and kids. More importantly I was worried that I might never get to do that. So I decided enough was enough I was going home. My nurses came in and packed my bed with ice and covered me with blankets. I refused any fever reducing medicine. I was going to get rid of this fever once and for all. I prayed and prayed and prayed until I fell asleep.
I woke up around 4am drenched in sweat. My fever had broke. I just needed it to stay that way. When my nurse came in she cautiously optimistic that the fever was permanently gone and I would be doing better from there. My doctor gave me permission to go home the next day if I went the entire day with no fever. I had to spend the next 3.5 weeks on antibiotics etc, but at least I could do that at home. I was so happy to be in that van riding home. I thought home was going to make me better. I thought being with my kids would help me begin to heal.
When I walked up to the front door there were signs made by the kids that their Aunt Stephanie helped them do for me. They were so cute. The kids were ecstatic to see me. But I felt nothing. In fact it felt surreal to me, like I was watching myself come home to my family. I assumed it was from being sick, weak, exhausted and did my best to sit with them and talk to them for a few hours before I went to bed. It was an agonizing few hours. Here I was with these adorable kids who wanted to smother me with their affection and I found myself wishing I was back in the hospital. I had made it through the fight for my life, but did not know that the real fight was just begining.
My doctor says the first thing I said when I woke up was, " I woke up?" He told me that the infection was so bad that if we had just waited a few more hours, things would not have turned out well. In other words I would have died. I didn't know at that moment that getting through surgery was just one obstacle for me. In post op my blood pressure started getting into the 180' and my heart rate the 150's. They tried for over two hours to stabilize me, with no luck. Finally after two hours they brought Richard to be with me in post op ( the restricted area...whatever) and within 20 minutes my blood pressure started going down enough to move me to a room. However, my fever kicked in and thus began my fighting off a serious infection that had spread through my body.
I don't remember too much about my time in the hospital. I was fairly well drugged and spent most of my time either sleeping or watching CNN and the earthquake in Japan. I refused to eat anything but Italian Ices.I remember feeling so deeply for those people and thinking just how insignificant my tragedy was compared to theirs. I was so blessed to have four beautiful children. I felt selfish to feel sorry for myself when there people across the world were losing everything they had, their family members and home. I watched their entire lives literally washing away on the screen in front of me.
My mother in-law had come to stay with the kids. After the first night they were wondering where mommy was and my husband and his mom decided to sit them down and tell them what happened to the baby. I was so thankful that the kids were being looked after and even more thankful that I did not have to see their reactions to the bad news. I knew they would be heartbroken. Knowing that made my heart hurt more.
After a couple of days on IV antibiotics, my doctor finally came to me and said if my fever did not stay down and spiked again the next day he was calling in infectious diseases. I was terrified. I wanted to go home. I wanted to be home with my husband and kids. More importantly I was worried that I might never get to do that. So I decided enough was enough I was going home. My nurses came in and packed my bed with ice and covered me with blankets. I refused any fever reducing medicine. I was going to get rid of this fever once and for all. I prayed and prayed and prayed until I fell asleep.
I woke up around 4am drenched in sweat. My fever had broke. I just needed it to stay that way. When my nurse came in she cautiously optimistic that the fever was permanently gone and I would be doing better from there. My doctor gave me permission to go home the next day if I went the entire day with no fever. I had to spend the next 3.5 weeks on antibiotics etc, but at least I could do that at home. I was so happy to be in that van riding home. I thought home was going to make me better. I thought being with my kids would help me begin to heal.
When I walked up to the front door there were signs made by the kids that their Aunt Stephanie helped them do for me. They were so cute. The kids were ecstatic to see me. But I felt nothing. In fact it felt surreal to me, like I was watching myself come home to my family. I assumed it was from being sick, weak, exhausted and did my best to sit with them and talk to them for a few hours before I went to bed. It was an agonizing few hours. Here I was with these adorable kids who wanted to smother me with their affection and I found myself wishing I was back in the hospital. I had made it through the fight for my life, but did not know that the real fight was just begining.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
The Story
"The times when you have seen only one set of footprints, is when I carried you." ~ Mary Stevenson.
I guess to read my opening post might be very confusing to those who are not close to me. Even for those who are close to me my first post may be much different than the usual cheery happy person that they talk to from day to day. Everything happened so quickly that even though it was announced on Facebook ( that is the new official way of announcing things, right?) many probably still didn't know that I was 3 and a half month pregnant with our fifth child back in March of this year. Surprised? So were we. Still to this day I am not so sure how that happened.That is a joke, please feel no need to give me the story of the birds and the bees.....I got it.
Anyone who saw me regularly knew by my growing tummy, greenish tint to my face, and swollen feet I was definitely expecting. We were, as I said, completely shocked. Four had always been our number and after we had Samuel in 2010 we were complete. Four was a handful, but really not anymore than three was. We always wanted a big family so we just knew after our third child that there would definitely be a fourth.
My husband was instantly overjoyed about baby number 5. I took a day or two to relax. I had been working a full time job at a law firm. I had been a stay at home mom for 8 years and then, just 6 weeks after I had Samuel a job fell into my lap and I had to take it. It truly was the perfect job. Still the thought of being a working mom of 5 kids was very overwhelming to me.
After a day or two my look of shock turned into a silly dreamy smile as I spent the next two weeks bitting my tongue and told no one.
As soon as we had a heartbeat we told everyone. I have to say that everyone was as shocked as we were, but very excited. To know Richard and I, is to know that we love being a family. We love our children and enjoy every minute we have together. Never have we been the type to take advantage of what we have. We always stay close to home and spend anytime not working together with the kids. So it was official, our family of six was soon to be a family of seven. Leia put her request in for a sister. She wanted a sister so very bad and I wanted one for her. She certainly wasn't lacking in brothers, she already had three.
In late February I started to have symptoms that concerned me. Having had four kids I considered myself (and still do for the record) to be an expert. Over the course of three weeks I contacted my doctor three times about my concerns both over the phone and in person. My concerns were dismissed as symptoms some pregnant women just get. One early morning I woke up cramping. It wasn't bad, but it was enough to make me uncomfortable. I took some Tylenol and returned to bed. I dreamed that I was standing in my bathroom at work covered in blood. When I woke up I knew something must not be right. I went to the ER on 3/14 and after some blood work and an ultrasound I was sent home an assured I was just fine. They never mentioned to me that my blood work came back with several abnormalities. The kind that would indicate to even someone who knows nothing about medicine that I had an infection. I went home and convinced myself I was fine.
The cramping continued into the next day, but began to get better. I relaxed thinking maybe I just had a stomach bug or some other simple ailment and that I was on the mend. However, that night my water broke while I was sitting on the couch. I wasn't entirely convinced because I never heard of someones water breaking this early so I went to the ER. I insisted to Richard he not go with me. I told him I was certain I was overreacting. The truth was I was trying to spare him the pain of watching me go through this.
Once I saw the ultrasound I knew it bad. All of the amniotic fluid around the baby was gone. I assumed it was because the baby had died and I was miscarrying. But that was not at all the case. The baby's heart was beating away at 160 beast a minute. I could see little arms and legs moving on the screen.
The ER doctor must not have known better because she sent me home. She told me that within a few hours the baby's heart would stop and I would begin lose the baby. What she did not know was that I was very sick and was about to become septic. My blood work was double the abnormal numbers form the day before. It was never mentioned.
I have no idea how I got home that early morning. I think it was around 4am. I collapsed on the bed with Richard and we both cried for hours until the sun came up. By this time I was feeling very ill and had the chills. I called the office of a doctor I used to see and trusted with my life and went in. I again somehow convinced Richard I should go to the doctor alone. That way he could stay with the kids and they wouldn't catch on that there was something wrong.
When I arrived at the office, the doctor did another ultrasound assuming that the baby was now "gone" and prepared to schedule a D&C. However, instead of seeing a quiet still uterus, what we saw was a baby whose heart was still going. It was at 165. Perfectly healthy heartbeat despite it's deteriorating surroundings. I could have turned away and not looked at the screen up on the wall, but I knew that what I was seeing was all I would ever see. I didn't want to miss that last opportunity.
My doctor and I discussed my options. Without a doubt the baby would not be able to survive without water and was too young to live if born.While talking to me about the situation the doctor felt on exam that something more was going on here. My cervix was still closed. This was not normal for someone who's water broke hours ago. The doctor said my uterus felt hot and that he feared this was an infection that had not yet spiked a fever. My doctor did not have access to that blood work and was just going off my presentation, which was getting worse by the minute. I was told I had no choice but to abort the baby immediately. There was no time to wait and see if it's heart would soon stop, that could have taken weeks. There was no time to wait for a more humane way to end this baby's life with an injection to the heart before the procedure.
I was taken to the hospital immediately and put on antibiotics, pain killers, a "cocktail" to make me relax before surgery. My husband got there just minutes before I was taken back. My doctor made sure I understood the procedure. Did I understand this was a dilation and curettage abortion? Yes, I told him I did. It raised questions with some nurses who questioned why this was being done while the baby's heart was still beating. There was something about the ethics board and some argumentative discussion that were held. My doctor looked down at me and said, "You didn't want five anyway right?" I felt a part of my die when I heard those words.
I just lay there quietly with my eyes closed saying goodbye to the child I would not meet, but already loved. The fifth child that I wasn't planning on, but certainly wanted. I apologized in my heart for the procedure which was about to happened and asked God to be waiting for this baby on the other side. By this time I was feeling so ill I wasn't sure if he would be greeting one of us, or both of us. I was prepared for either.
I guess to read my opening post might be very confusing to those who are not close to me. Even for those who are close to me my first post may be much different than the usual cheery happy person that they talk to from day to day. Everything happened so quickly that even though it was announced on Facebook ( that is the new official way of announcing things, right?) many probably still didn't know that I was 3 and a half month pregnant with our fifth child back in March of this year. Surprised? So were we. Still to this day I am not so sure how that happened.That is a joke, please feel no need to give me the story of the birds and the bees.....I got it.
Anyone who saw me regularly knew by my growing tummy, greenish tint to my face, and swollen feet I was definitely expecting. We were, as I said, completely shocked. Four had always been our number and after we had Samuel in 2010 we were complete. Four was a handful, but really not anymore than three was. We always wanted a big family so we just knew after our third child that there would definitely be a fourth.
My husband was instantly overjoyed about baby number 5. I took a day or two to relax. I had been working a full time job at a law firm. I had been a stay at home mom for 8 years and then, just 6 weeks after I had Samuel a job fell into my lap and I had to take it. It truly was the perfect job. Still the thought of being a working mom of 5 kids was very overwhelming to me.
After a day or two my look of shock turned into a silly dreamy smile as I spent the next two weeks bitting my tongue and told no one.
As soon as we had a heartbeat we told everyone. I have to say that everyone was as shocked as we were, but very excited. To know Richard and I, is to know that we love being a family. We love our children and enjoy every minute we have together. Never have we been the type to take advantage of what we have. We always stay close to home and spend anytime not working together with the kids. So it was official, our family of six was soon to be a family of seven. Leia put her request in for a sister. She wanted a sister so very bad and I wanted one for her. She certainly wasn't lacking in brothers, she already had three.
In late February I started to have symptoms that concerned me. Having had four kids I considered myself (and still do for the record) to be an expert. Over the course of three weeks I contacted my doctor three times about my concerns both over the phone and in person. My concerns were dismissed as symptoms some pregnant women just get. One early morning I woke up cramping. It wasn't bad, but it was enough to make me uncomfortable. I took some Tylenol and returned to bed. I dreamed that I was standing in my bathroom at work covered in blood. When I woke up I knew something must not be right. I went to the ER on 3/14 and after some blood work and an ultrasound I was sent home an assured I was just fine. They never mentioned to me that my blood work came back with several abnormalities. The kind that would indicate to even someone who knows nothing about medicine that I had an infection. I went home and convinced myself I was fine.
The cramping continued into the next day, but began to get better. I relaxed thinking maybe I just had a stomach bug or some other simple ailment and that I was on the mend. However, that night my water broke while I was sitting on the couch. I wasn't entirely convinced because I never heard of someones water breaking this early so I went to the ER. I insisted to Richard he not go with me. I told him I was certain I was overreacting. The truth was I was trying to spare him the pain of watching me go through this.
Once I saw the ultrasound I knew it bad. All of the amniotic fluid around the baby was gone. I assumed it was because the baby had died and I was miscarrying. But that was not at all the case. The baby's heart was beating away at 160 beast a minute. I could see little arms and legs moving on the screen.
The ER doctor must not have known better because she sent me home. She told me that within a few hours the baby's heart would stop and I would begin lose the baby. What she did not know was that I was very sick and was about to become septic. My blood work was double the abnormal numbers form the day before. It was never mentioned.
I have no idea how I got home that early morning. I think it was around 4am. I collapsed on the bed with Richard and we both cried for hours until the sun came up. By this time I was feeling very ill and had the chills. I called the office of a doctor I used to see and trusted with my life and went in. I again somehow convinced Richard I should go to the doctor alone. That way he could stay with the kids and they wouldn't catch on that there was something wrong.
When I arrived at the office, the doctor did another ultrasound assuming that the baby was now "gone" and prepared to schedule a D&C. However, instead of seeing a quiet still uterus, what we saw was a baby whose heart was still going. It was at 165. Perfectly healthy heartbeat despite it's deteriorating surroundings. I could have turned away and not looked at the screen up on the wall, but I knew that what I was seeing was all I would ever see. I didn't want to miss that last opportunity.
My doctor and I discussed my options. Without a doubt the baby would not be able to survive without water and was too young to live if born.While talking to me about the situation the doctor felt on exam that something more was going on here. My cervix was still closed. This was not normal for someone who's water broke hours ago. The doctor said my uterus felt hot and that he feared this was an infection that had not yet spiked a fever. My doctor did not have access to that blood work and was just going off my presentation, which was getting worse by the minute. I was told I had no choice but to abort the baby immediately. There was no time to wait and see if it's heart would soon stop, that could have taken weeks. There was no time to wait for a more humane way to end this baby's life with an injection to the heart before the procedure.
I was taken to the hospital immediately and put on antibiotics, pain killers, a "cocktail" to make me relax before surgery. My husband got there just minutes before I was taken back. My doctor made sure I understood the procedure. Did I understand this was a dilation and curettage abortion? Yes, I told him I did. It raised questions with some nurses who questioned why this was being done while the baby's heart was still beating. There was something about the ethics board and some argumentative discussion that were held. My doctor looked down at me and said, "You didn't want five anyway right?" I felt a part of my die when I heard those words.
I just lay there quietly with my eyes closed saying goodbye to the child I would not meet, but already loved. The fifth child that I wasn't planning on, but certainly wanted. I apologized in my heart for the procedure which was about to happened and asked God to be waiting for this baby on the other side. By this time I was feeling so ill I wasn't sure if he would be greeting one of us, or both of us. I was prepared for either.
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