And all along I believed I would find you, Time has brought your heart to me, I have loved you for a thousand years, I'll love you for a thousand more. Christina Perri "A Thousand Years"
Let me forewarn that this post may be scattered. I have thought about writing a hundred different things. My thoughts have been swirling for days now. It is impossible to sum up perfectly what I have felt.
Last Friday, 3/16, was my year anniversary of losing the baby. I am not sure if anniversary is the right word, but I digress. My husband wanted to go out to dinner and spend time together, but I wanted to carry on as normal that day. So, the kids went to school, I cooked dinner, went to karate, etc,. It was the usual Friday for us. I spared others around me my tears and reserved my meltdowns for the few times I was alone except for during church on Sunday. I did my best to be discrete so I would not be approached. I was afraid if I was I would never stop crying.
That Sunday afternoon, my pastor came over and we did a small memorial for the baby as a family. It was nice and informal which keep the pressure off of me. My church bought me a plant (well two) to plant in the yard. They had been asking for a year now, but I was not ready and couldn't think of the perfect tree or plant to remember a baby by. Then last week it hit me as I stepped out on the front porch and smelled the Jasmine from the neighbor's yard. It bloomed in March and ever since I was a child, I loved smelling it come through the windows of my home every spring. Jasmine it would be.
My pastor first talked to the kids about John 3:16. It is ironic that it would be my anniversary date of a less than happy time in my life. John 3:16 is a verse from the Bible that most of us learn first. Even if you know little about the bible you have probably heard this verse. It is summed up easily: Love.
On 3/16 each year my heart may ache. A mother's love knows no boundaries of time or separation. But, most importantly I am reminded on that day of God's obvious love for me and my family that he choose to spare my life that day and welcomed my child into His loving arms.
It is a love that surpasses even my own for that baby and that thought brings me comfort beyond words.
If this seems deep, well, it is. Losing a baby is painful. Losing one because your life would end is worse. Losing one though a medical procedure is just torture.
If this year has taught me anything it is that life goes on. We can choose to be brave and face what is painful and grow from it, or sit closed up in our house and be angry at the world for moving on while we are hurting. I choose to be brave. I choose to live.
I choose Love.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Blog Slacker
When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider this: God has made the one
as well as the other. Ecclesiastes 7:14
So it has been almost two months to the date since I last posted. I was disappointed in myself for letting so much time go by, but sometimes things just get a little crazy. There are a few reasons for this. One, the holidays were busy. Two, after sleepily setting my laptop on my floor next to my bed, my daughter came into my room that night and stepped on it. That turned my screen into a spider web. Since my hubby is often working on our PC, that laptop was my lifeline to communication. So now I am looking at tablets:) Third, well, I didn't have much to say. In fact my husband can attest to this. He has been used to ten years of coming home to me rambling on and on about anything and everything, but lately I just didn't feel motivated to say much at all. I was going through a time where I just had to process some things in my head. Fourth, I am not sure where I want to focus this blog. Do I want to just customize this for women who have experienced loss, or do I want to use this as an outlet to just write whatever I feel led to share? Don't know.
What I do know if that I have been preparing myself for March 16th. This was a date that I set in my mind as a closure date. It was the date we had to terminate the pregnancy. Or for those who prefer I don't say this because it makes them uncomfortable, it was the date that God chose our baby had to go to home with him, so I could remain here. ( If you are seeing my blog for the first time, go back to my first two posts).
So much has happened in a year. I am a completely different person. Despite dealing with PTSD, I am somehow happier and more at peace then ever before. I don't sweat the small stuff, or even the big stuff. My marriage is stronger, my children are happier and my faith is unstoppable. There is a reason why, I dealt with the issues from my loss right away. The good, the bad, and the really bad. I looked to my faith to get me through, and it did. At some point next month we are going to plant a tree in our yard as a symbol of the life we lost and a means of closure. I would be lying if I said I was looking forward to it, but I know it must be done
Let me tell you, choosing to deal with something straight forward makes others uncomfortable. Our choice to focus only on our family and healing this year brought us some betrayal, which of course brought pain. But, God has his hands in all things and we find ourselves at peace that we have made the right choices. The blessing that we have experienced have shown us so. Nothing feels as good as being at peace. It is like a cloud that was hanging over us is now gone.
And so as my last year draws to a close I am pondering where to go from here. I know this much, I want to continue to live like tomorrow won't be here. Because I know what it is like to be put to sleep thinking tomorrow might now come. I don't want to miss a moment of joy from my children, laughter with my friends, love with my husband. I want to continue to live without fear which means I will be doing more marathons and riding more roller coasters :).
Perhaps the way things are now is the way they always should have been and it took a loss to bring me here.
Regardless I am here........................... and I am happy.
as well as the other. Ecclesiastes 7:14
So it has been almost two months to the date since I last posted. I was disappointed in myself for letting so much time go by, but sometimes things just get a little crazy. There are a few reasons for this. One, the holidays were busy. Two, after sleepily setting my laptop on my floor next to my bed, my daughter came into my room that night and stepped on it. That turned my screen into a spider web. Since my hubby is often working on our PC, that laptop was my lifeline to communication. So now I am looking at tablets:) Third, well, I didn't have much to say. In fact my husband can attest to this. He has been used to ten years of coming home to me rambling on and on about anything and everything, but lately I just didn't feel motivated to say much at all. I was going through a time where I just had to process some things in my head. Fourth, I am not sure where I want to focus this blog. Do I want to just customize this for women who have experienced loss, or do I want to use this as an outlet to just write whatever I feel led to share? Don't know.
What I do know if that I have been preparing myself for March 16th. This was a date that I set in my mind as a closure date. It was the date we had to terminate the pregnancy. Or for those who prefer I don't say this because it makes them uncomfortable, it was the date that God chose our baby had to go to home with him, so I could remain here. ( If you are seeing my blog for the first time, go back to my first two posts).
So much has happened in a year. I am a completely different person. Despite dealing with PTSD, I am somehow happier and more at peace then ever before. I don't sweat the small stuff, or even the big stuff. My marriage is stronger, my children are happier and my faith is unstoppable. There is a reason why, I dealt with the issues from my loss right away. The good, the bad, and the really bad. I looked to my faith to get me through, and it did. At some point next month we are going to plant a tree in our yard as a symbol of the life we lost and a means of closure. I would be lying if I said I was looking forward to it, but I know it must be done
Let me tell you, choosing to deal with something straight forward makes others uncomfortable. Our choice to focus only on our family and healing this year brought us some betrayal, which of course brought pain. But, God has his hands in all things and we find ourselves at peace that we have made the right choices. The blessing that we have experienced have shown us so. Nothing feels as good as being at peace. It is like a cloud that was hanging over us is now gone.
And so as my last year draws to a close I am pondering where to go from here. I know this much, I want to continue to live like tomorrow won't be here. Because I know what it is like to be put to sleep thinking tomorrow might now come. I don't want to miss a moment of joy from my children, laughter with my friends, love with my husband. I want to continue to live without fear which means I will be doing more marathons and riding more roller coasters :).
Perhaps the way things are now is the way they always should have been and it took a loss to bring me here.
Regardless I am here........................... and I am happy.
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