Jesus knew their thoughts and said to them, “Every kingdom divided against itself will be ruined, and every city or household divided against itself will not stand. Matthew 12:25
After seeing one of my recent blog posts posted on a mutual friend's facebook site, I got a messgae from someone I have not spoken to for close to a year. She had been a good friend and we have known each other for five years. Despite the concern that I could possibly reject her efforts, she reached out to me after reading of my loss.
My heart skipped a beat when I saw her message and I quickly responded. Within minutes we were on the phone. Before I could allow our conversation to go to far, there was something she needed to know, I was sorry.
Right before I found out about the pregnancy I had been struggling with health problems, working too much and trying unsucessfully to manage my home life. I I was trying to be Superwoman and I was terrible at it. I was miserable.
My friend would try to get me to open up about how I was doing and my response was always, "I am fine, everything is fine". I was embarassed to tell her I wasn't "fine", but afraid that if I let the words come out of my mouth that I would no longer be able to hold it all together. Instead I pushed her away and she got the message.
When I lost the baby, I thought of her. I wished I could call and tell her, I knew she would be comforting. But she didn't even know I was pregnant, and how do you call someone and say, " Hey I know I was a jerk, but let me unload this tragic event on you so you can make me feel better"?
Still, she stayed on my mind throughout these difficult months. At times I would wonder how she was and how her family was doing. I started seeing her pop up on my " People you might know" section on Facebook. Then when I started therapry, twenty plus miles form my house, I actually parked next to her car not knowing she worked next to my therapists office. God was onbiously not going to let me forget this unfinsihed business and relationship that needed to be mended.
Then her message came and we met at Starbucks the next day, and talked for hours. I wish that things had been different and we had not gone for so long without speaking. But, then again time was what I needed and without all the events that occured I would not have been sitting before her a much more peaceful, happy person.
Saying, "I'm sorry" is never easy. It makes you vulnerable to the rejection from the other person. But sometimes, those three honest words can lift a burden off your heart and restore a seperation of months and even years. You may not be ready to say them today, but God will press upon your heart an urgency to do so until you do.
Apparently his uses Facebook now too.
Showing posts with label Starbucks. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Starbucks. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Just Laying Back on the Couch
For God is not the author of confusion, but of peace. 1 Corinthians 14:33(KJV)
It was about 5 weeks after I lost the baby that I finally bit the bullet and went to talk to my doctor about symptoms I was experiencing. I was having chest pain, panic attacks, and long crying spells which were followed by periods of numbness. My doctor felt, and I agreed, that I was onbiously suffering from anxiety due to the traumatic loss of the baby and everything combined. She convinced me to try some medication that was going to help with all of my symptoms. Initially I did find relief from my symptoms somewhat,but after a few weeks passed they came back that much stronger.
About 10 weeks into treatment I decided it was probably best to see a Licenced Mental Health Therapist. I didn't want an everyday counselor as I had started having nightmares that were horrific and always included the baby being found dead somewhere and someone asking me why I didn't stop it from happening. I found myself easily startled by noises and unable to do things as simple as go to the store without leaving my cart and walking out. I knew that this type of behaviour was not normal for me under any conditions.
The night I walked into the therapist's office I felt like I was able to take my first real deep breathe in months. My therapist, Helen, was warm and welcoming. I knew I was exactly where I needed to be. That next hour was the best hour I had had in months. So, I went back a second time and then a third. I looked forward to going. As a mom I rarely get a chance to sit down and here I was, being told it was okay to lay back on a comfy leather sofa, put my feet up, and just talk about me. It was a little taste of heaven.
The third visit is when we got down to business. Helen took out a book and began asking questions. I knew we were completing my diagnosis but I wasn't sure exactly what these answers and questions were leading to. At the end, my diagnosis of Post- Partum Depression and severe anxiety were both overruled by my strong diagnosis of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
What??
Not only did I have it, it was considered severe as I hit all major five points of diagnosis and all but one of the sub-points. I had never thought of PTSD as anything other than a disorder that soldiers get when they return form war.
I left a little confused but managed to find some humor and relief in the diagnosis. I now knew that these symptoms were not just me acting crazy, but a symptoms that I legitimately could not control. I called my mom, a therapist herself, and told her the news. I had always been an over achiever and here her daughter hit all five points for diagnosis of PTSD. Go me!
Here is what I have learned in the last few weeks about PTSD. The symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder can arise suddenly, gradually, or come and go over time. Sometimes symptoms appear seemingly out of the blue. At other times, they are triggered by something that reminds you of the original traumatic event, such as a noise, an image, certain words, or a smell. While everyone experiences PTSD differently, there are three main types of symptoms:
re-experiencing the traumatic event, avoiding reminders of the trauma, and increased anxiety and emotional reactions.
I decided to take my time and deal with this problem head on. Often we do not seek help out of pride or an assumption that if the symptoms eventually go away, everything will be fine. Truth is if you are not willing to get real with problems, whether they are with your mental health or a marriage crisis, you will eventually hit a wall and crumble. It may not be in a month, a few months or even a year. But it will happen, it always does.
What is getting real? It is facing the truth. It is speaking out loud the about hurt. It is choosing to do the real work to heal, not just pretending all is well and carrying on as normal.
I am not sure what this therapy will include. We haven't even started scratching the surface of therapy as it is desired that a persons symptoms be under control because therapy can cause more trauma.
So, once a week I will be visiting Helen and that super comfy leather sofa. I haven't mentioned it to her yet, but I am thinking if she could bring in a Starbucks Barista for me I am certain it would certainly help my therapy process. Just me, laying back on the sofa with my feet up and a Grande Green Tea Frappuccino with two pumps of hazelnut. Ahh.
It was about 5 weeks after I lost the baby that I finally bit the bullet and went to talk to my doctor about symptoms I was experiencing. I was having chest pain, panic attacks, and long crying spells which were followed by periods of numbness. My doctor felt, and I agreed, that I was onbiously suffering from anxiety due to the traumatic loss of the baby and everything combined. She convinced me to try some medication that was going to help with all of my symptoms. Initially I did find relief from my symptoms somewhat,but after a few weeks passed they came back that much stronger.
About 10 weeks into treatment I decided it was probably best to see a Licenced Mental Health Therapist. I didn't want an everyday counselor as I had started having nightmares that were horrific and always included the baby being found dead somewhere and someone asking me why I didn't stop it from happening. I found myself easily startled by noises and unable to do things as simple as go to the store without leaving my cart and walking out. I knew that this type of behaviour was not normal for me under any conditions.
The night I walked into the therapist's office I felt like I was able to take my first real deep breathe in months. My therapist, Helen, was warm and welcoming. I knew I was exactly where I needed to be. That next hour was the best hour I had had in months. So, I went back a second time and then a third. I looked forward to going. As a mom I rarely get a chance to sit down and here I was, being told it was okay to lay back on a comfy leather sofa, put my feet up, and just talk about me. It was a little taste of heaven.
The third visit is when we got down to business. Helen took out a book and began asking questions. I knew we were completing my diagnosis but I wasn't sure exactly what these answers and questions were leading to. At the end, my diagnosis of Post- Partum Depression and severe anxiety were both overruled by my strong diagnosis of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
What??
Not only did I have it, it was considered severe as I hit all major five points of diagnosis and all but one of the sub-points. I had never thought of PTSD as anything other than a disorder that soldiers get when they return form war.
I left a little confused but managed to find some humor and relief in the diagnosis. I now knew that these symptoms were not just me acting crazy, but a symptoms that I legitimately could not control. I called my mom, a therapist herself, and told her the news. I had always been an over achiever and here her daughter hit all five points for diagnosis of PTSD. Go me!
Here is what I have learned in the last few weeks about PTSD. The symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder can arise suddenly, gradually, or come and go over time. Sometimes symptoms appear seemingly out of the blue. At other times, they are triggered by something that reminds you of the original traumatic event, such as a noise, an image, certain words, or a smell. While everyone experiences PTSD differently, there are three main types of symptoms:
re-experiencing the traumatic event, avoiding reminders of the trauma, and increased anxiety and emotional reactions.
I decided to take my time and deal with this problem head on. Often we do not seek help out of pride or an assumption that if the symptoms eventually go away, everything will be fine. Truth is if you are not willing to get real with problems, whether they are with your mental health or a marriage crisis, you will eventually hit a wall and crumble. It may not be in a month, a few months or even a year. But it will happen, it always does.
What is getting real? It is facing the truth. It is speaking out loud the about hurt. It is choosing to do the real work to heal, not just pretending all is well and carrying on as normal.
I am not sure what this therapy will include. We haven't even started scratching the surface of therapy as it is desired that a persons symptoms be under control because therapy can cause more trauma.
So, once a week I will be visiting Helen and that super comfy leather sofa. I haven't mentioned it to her yet, but I am thinking if she could bring in a Starbucks Barista for me I am certain it would certainly help my therapy process. Just me, laying back on the sofa with my feet up and a Grande Green Tea Frappuccino with two pumps of hazelnut. Ahh.
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