The journey between what you once were and who you are now becoming is where the dance of life really takes place.
And so it was a year ago today that I made a drastic decision. I had been back to work and back to "normal" life for five weeks and it finally happened. Something finally triggered me, and I cried. I cried and I cried in bed for days. Hysterical sobbing that left me exhausted and made me realize one thing, I was going in the wrong direction.
I had been told over and over that the best thing was to go back to my normal routine. So, just one week after facing death giving up the life of our child I was back to work. I hated it. I hated leaving my house, I hated the drive to work, and I hated being in that office where I had shared with my co-workers the news of my pregnancy. I had spent weeks keeping it together, because after all, I was told that was my job. While I smiled on the outside I felt like I was dying everyday. Every day.
The Sunday night before returning to another week of work I told my husband I was done. I deserved a break, or better yet I needed a break. I needed a break from everyone and everything. I put my notice into work of my intention to take leave from work (which I should have done to begin with) and decided that what would be would be. I needed time for me. I didn't know at the time that I would never return to work, but I knew it wouldn't be anytime soon.
I soon discovered it wasn't just time away from work that I needed. I needed to grieve. I needed time to stay away from grocery stores and crowded places because they made me feel like I would pass out at any moment. I needed time for me. I needed time my family. I need to stop listening to people who were negative and tried to control how I handled my loss, because me dealing with my loss bothered them, because they never dealt with their own. I was done with it all. I need someone to listen to me when I wanted to talk and sit with me when I did not.
Similar to what you do when you are weeding out a food allergy, I stopped everything. I stopped answering the phone, taking the kids to karate, grocery shopping, going to church....everything except for therapy. Once a week I picked up a Starbucks green tea latte and sat on that comfy leather couch and talked about whatever I wanted. It was my hour.
As time went on I slowing began to do things again. I quickly realized what relationships were toxic to my healing when I began to allow them into my life, and so, back out they went. I went back to church, started getting together with friends, started taking the kids to activities, and surprisingly, made a lot of new friends along the way.
One day I realized I was smiling with my children. Not the fake smile I had to do for so long so they did not know their mom was hurting, but the genuine warm smile that takes over your entire face, because in that moment I felt at peace and in love with what I had been blessed with.
The road to healing doesn't and will never be, smooth sailing. One year later from deciding to change my life and take care of me, I still have bad days that make me want to hide in my bed.
The road to healing from a loss is a journey, and it is uncharted. There is no GPS to guide you, to tell you when you have made a wrong turn. Sometimes you will travel down the wrong road a little longer then you should, that is what U-turns are for. Healing does not mean going back to the way things once were, but it is moving forward down the new road that has been placed in front of us.
