Every Day is a Gift

And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.          Colossians 3:14 NIV

Above is a picture of my kids. I think sometimes that the "bloopers" make the best shots.

As I have mentioned before, I was beyond thankful to not have been present when my children were told that the baby passed away. It breaks my heart to think of what they must have felt at that moment. Their mommy was in the hospital sick and they had not seen or spoke to me in days. Now, they had the added confusion of trying to understand how a baby could be in my tummy at one moment and gone the next. How could something be gone that wasn't here yet?

The afternoon I came home kids were overjoyed. They had made little signs for me and hung them all over the house. I was so happy to come home. I wanted to be with them, but I was overwhelmed to see them. In fact, when I came home it didn't feel like it was really me. I felt like I was watching this moment unfold in front of me. I did not feel much of anything except for numbness. It did not take very long for their questions to come.

My kids have been through many losses in just a short time. I lost all four of my grandparents, whom the children were all very close to, (including my grandmother who lived with us so I could care for her the last year before she passed), all within less then two years of each other. We also lost our lab to a snake back in the back yard during the same time. Now, another loss for them to try to understand at such a young age.

Richard and Leia who are my two oldest children, seemed to be struggling the most. Richard, my oldest, didn't say too much. In fact, he stayed away from me that evening. I didn't push anything with him and let him have his space. I felt like he was dealing with  feelings of knowing I was very sick in the hospital and then of course, the reality of losing a baby.  He was probably scared that I wasn't going to make it home and now that I was he was afraid to get too close to me.

Leia immediately asked me when I would be having another baby. After all, this was her chance for a sister. I decided from the beginning to be honest with them as much as it was appropriate. I explained to her I would not be having another baby and therefore, she would not be having a sister. I will never forget the sadness on her face. I felt like I had let her down. It is even more important to me that she and I have a close bond. Besides, we are way outnumbered in this house!


Benjamin, who is my four year old, handled the loss very well. Of course, he couldn't truly understand the loss part, but he did understand that he had a baby in heaven. Wow, was he proud of that! He was telling anyone who would listen that he had his very own baby in heaven. He would scoff at everyone who spoke to because they were not as special as him to know someone in heaven.  He would ask me questions constantly. He wanted to know what color hair the baby had, was it a boy or girl, what was it's name, what color eyes it had. Every once in a while Benjamin still claims to see the baby in the sky with Jesus when we are driving somewhere or playing outside. He always looks so happy when he tells me this, that sometimes I really wonder what he sees.

Then there is Samuel. He was asleep when I came home from the hospital. It took all the strength I had not to grab him form his crib and have him sleep with me all night. The following morning, Richard brought him into the bedroom to see me. Samuel was so ecstatic he almost jumped out of his daddy's arms. He grabbed my face with both of his hands and pressed his sweet little face against mine. Words really do not give justice to how precious that moment with him was for me.

I am certainly blessed to have four beautiful children. Having had children prior to losing a baby both helps and hurts at the same time. It helps because it is a distraction from the pain. They keep my mind occupied most of the time. Their hugs, kisses and early morning climbs into my bed are my therapy.

In the same breath, being a mother makes the loss that much harder. I know what I lost. I know what that little baby would have become. I know how it would have snuggled on my chest while I rocked it to sleep. I know the messes it would have made all over my house as a toddler. I know the sound of pitter patter feet and giggles I will not hear. I know what I lost out on.

Perhaps that is why I have changed so much in the last few months. Before I went through this tragedy I was letting life pass me by. I was always in a rush to get to the next place or do the next thing.

I know that what I have here and now is precious. I do not want to miss one moment of the love, and joy that has been given to me.

Life is too Short

But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Matthew 6:33 NKJV

This week was a bit busy with the kids adjusting to their new school schedule and dealing with our first back to school virus. Thus the reason that I almost went a full week without a post. It won't happen again, well, unless I have a virus in the house again (which chances are, I will).

As I may have mentioned before, there are a few one liners that I have heard over and over since we lost the baby. They drive me absolutely crazy. I really do try hard just to put them aside, and often the people who are saying them truly do have the best of intentions. Sometimes it just gets repetitive.The latest I have been hearing is, "life is too short".
 Now, typically when I hear this, it is because someone is disapproving of something I did or didn't do. One of the toughest things I have experienced is a disapproval or lack of  understanding about our need for private time and respect of the choices we have made for our family. I have heard the same complaint from other women on some of the miscarriage/loss of baby boards online, as well.

When I am given the 'life is too short" guilt trip, what they do not realize is that I already know that all too well. It is the realization that life truly can be short that I came to through losing a baby and almost my life. It is that realization that drives my husband and I to want to cling together, make the healthiest choices possible for our family, and follow what we believe, God wants for our lives. I get " life is too short". I live it.

So, I have decided (in a passive aggressive manner) to give my top eight reasons of what  I  believe life is too short for.  Why eight? Because David Letterman already does the Top 10 thing and because quite frankly, I only have eight. They are as follows:

1). Life is too short not to eat chocolate. It is well known that I have a slight craving for Peanut Butter M&M's. Obviously I could not continue this habit on a full time basis. I have downgraded my enjoyment of these little candy coated gifts from God for a more healthy option, chocolate Italian ice swirls. Now that I am 35 pounds lighter over the last three months I would say this was a wise swap. Still every once in a while I indulge.

2). Life is too short to not tuck my children into bed each night. We have the same ritual in our house every evening. We stick to it no matter how busy the night has been or how many dished I have left to do.  I start with the youngest and work my way to the oldest. We say prayers, talk about their day, and then it is off to bed with a kiss goodnight. There are some nights when I feel like just getting them to bed quickly, but I know that they will not be little forever and one day I will be missing this.

3). Life is too short to blow dry my hair straight everyday. My hair dryer caught on fire last week and I haven't made my way to Target to buy a new one yet. So, for the first time ever, I have gone a whole week with my curly/wavy hair. You know what? I have gained another hour in my day because of it!  So, when I do buy another hair dryer, ( which I will, because I will eventually get tired of my hair looking like a mop) I promise myself that I will only dry it flat every other day.

4). Life is too short to maintain toxic relationships. One of the things that quickly changed for me when I lost the baby, was the people I wanted in my life. It wasn't because I stopped caring about them, so much as it was I no longer had the energy to nurture relationships that were not healthy and supportive.  With the struggles I was having, I felt my kids and husband deserved the best of me, and even that "best" still isn't all that great all the time. I felt it was wrong for me to be putting my energy anywhere other then healing from our loss and growing closer as a family. The result has been a huge burden taken off my shoulders and a feeling of peace, even in my turmoil.
5). Life is too short to be serious all the time. Thus the reason for this post tonight!

6). Life too short to try to control what God is already controlling. It is a huge waste of time, trust me. Nuff said.

7). Life is too short to fold fitted sheets. Seriously, have you tried folding fitted sheets? Every time I did this, the fold never looked right and  always looked like I just rolled it up anyway. So, now I do.

8). Life is too short to regret. I have things I wish I did differently or wish I never did. I wish I had insisted more that something was wrong with me and not trusted my doctors dismissal of my concerns.  Maybe then, I would have been bringing a new baby into the world this month. Instead, I am trying to move past the due date of what will never be. I cannot honestly say that I would not take anything back in my life, especially this year, but whether life has been good, painful, right or wrong, I am where I am today because of it and because God's ability to make all things work for good, is without limitations.