Acceptance

 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ²⁹ Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰ For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”Matthew 11:28-30

     As always I'll begin this post with the proclamation that I cannot believe that I have not posted in so long. Actually I can believe it, because I didn't feel like writing anything.

     See I thought that by now, I would be better. I don't think that until about a week ago, I finally took my doctor's diagnosis of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder very seriously. I may have visited a web site or two over the last year, but figured that as with all things time would heal all things.
      I simply didn't understand when after Mother's Day I took a steep dive downhill for about six weeks. I thought I was just depressed. That "depression" got worse and then I felt had lost all feelings for my husband. Then it got even worse and I lost all feelings for my kids, friends, cooking, shopping, and life in general. Every once in a while I would have a good day or two, but other than that, I functioned at the bare minimum. I knew I was drowning. I went back to my doctor looking for answers, but I was told what I already knew. Times like this were to be expected. That did me no good.
     So I self medicated the best way I knew how. at first it wasn't deliberate then it was. I closed down, stopped talking about how I felt, drank more wine then I care to remember, ran (not a bad thing if you aren't running from something), stopped eating, and allowed myself to get into a situation that was destructive to me. I knew it was destructive because I felt it. But, it was all I felt, so I continued.
     Now, I am not talking about all this happening over the course of a year. Literally it was more like four weeks until I finally broke down and asked some trusted girlfriends to help get me out of my situation. Around my table one night they did just that. I cried for two days. But on a positive note, at least I was crying. I was feeling something again. I got a good dose of how much I had. How much I loved my kids and how much I loved my husband. He could have, and should have, turned his back on me. Instead he literally was my knight and shining armor and saved me. He fixed my mess, stood up for me, protected me, and made sure while doing all that I knew just how much he loved me, unconditionally. He never said one " I told you so", or "look what you've done".
     During all of this, a couple "friends" turned their back on me. See, they were the ones who praised me over the last year about how "proud they were of me", how "brave, and strong I was". But, when I was no longer those things and my weaknesses shined through, they couldn't manage. Why? Because they knew they were no different. I was a mirror of how they feel inside. I was a mirror of the feeling they drown in their 70 hour work weeks and obsessive "religious righteousness". I thought losing those friendships would be devastating, but as it is with many things once I saw the truth, I wanted nothing to do with it. Interestingly as they left my life, others walked right in and took their place. Calls came to me from out of the blue from friends I hadn't seen lately or heard from due to busy lives. They were right where I needed them, by my side to lend an ear or just ask how I was.
     All of this drama made me realize something. My PTSD isn't leaving tomorrow and I have to learn how to deal with it. I have to know how to recognize when things are going bad and stop them before they get worse. I have to ask my church family to pray for me. I have to call a friend to talk about how dark I feel. I have to allow my family in. I cannot shut them, of all people out.
     I have learned that I have to accept who I am in this moment and live in this moment. I have researched PTSD a little more. I have spent time thinking about what I can do to help myself. I have chosen some avenues to focus my energy that will make me stronger and healthier and are for me and me alone.
     There will always be people who cannot accept me for who I am, an imperfect person. But if I have achieved anything it is acceptance of myself and the ability to let go of those who cannot accept me. I have been where they will one day be, and acceptance, tolerance, and forgiveness, are life-altering lessons I am thankful to have learned for I will be better for it.  

A Year in the Making.

The journey between what you once were and who you are now becoming is where the dance of life really takes place. Barbara Deangelis

     And so it was a year ago today that I made a drastic decision. I had been back to work and back to "normal" life for five weeks and it finally happened. Something finally triggered me, and I cried. I cried and I cried in bed for days. Hysterical sobbing that left me exhausted and made me realize one thing, I was going in the wrong direction.
      I had been told over and over that the best thing was to go back to my normal routine. So, just one week after facing death giving up the life of our child I was back to work. I hated it. I hated leaving my house, I hated the drive to work, and I hated being in that office where I had shared with my co-workers the news of my pregnancy. I had spent weeks keeping it together, because after all, I was told that was my job. While I smiled on the outside I felt like I was dying everyday. Every day.
     The Sunday night before returning to another week of work I told my husband I was done. I deserved a break, or better yet I needed a break. I needed a break from everyone and everything. I put my notice into work of my intention to take leave from work (which I should have done to begin with) and decided that what would be would be. I needed time for me. I didn't know at the time that I would never return to work, but I knew it wouldn't be anytime soon.
     I soon discovered it wasn't just time away from work that I needed. I needed to grieve. I needed time to stay away from grocery stores and crowded places because they made me feel like I would pass out at any moment. I needed time for me. I needed time my family. I need to stop listening to people who were negative and tried to control how I handled my loss, because me dealing with my loss bothered them, because they never dealt with their own. I was done with it all. I need someone to listen to me when I wanted to talk and sit with me when I did not.
    Similar to what you do when you are weeding out a food allergy, I stopped everything. I stopped answering the phone, taking the kids to karate, grocery shopping, going to church....everything except for therapy. Once a week I picked up a Starbucks green tea latte and sat on that comfy leather couch and talked about whatever I wanted. It was my hour.
     As time went on I slowing began to do things again. I quickly realized what relationships were toxic to my healing when I began to allow them into my life, and so, back out they went. I went back to church, started getting together with friends, started taking the kids to activities, and surprisingly, made a lot of new friends along the way.
      One day I realized I was smiling with my children. Not the fake smile I had to do for so long so they did not know their mom was hurting, but the genuine warm smile that takes over your entire face, because in that moment I felt at peace and in love with what I had been blessed with.
     The road to healing doesn't and will never be, smooth sailing. One year later from deciding to change my life and take care of me, I still have bad days that make me want to hide in my bed.
     The road to healing from a loss is a journey, and it is uncharted. There is no GPS to guide you, to tell you when you have made a wrong turn. Sometimes you will travel down the wrong road a little longer then you should, that is what U-turns are for. Healing does not mean going back to the way things once were, but it is moving forward down the new road that has been placed in front of us.